PERSONALITY DISORDERS

12 Red Flags of an Abuser: How to Spot Someone with a Personality Disorder on the First Date

Before it’s too late…

1. Insecure attachment style

Abuse is the result of insecure attachment styles and trauma. Sometimes I read articles that claim, “Well, you don’t know your abusive partner is a narcissist — they may just be a regular asshole”, when the truth is abuse is always a sign of psychopathology. There is no such thing as someone who just wakes up one day and decides to become an abuser. There has to be a past of childhood trauma, whether it was emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

This doesn’t mean healthy people never behave badly — they can, and they do. However, they are never abusive to the point they traumatise others.

2. No long term relationships and/or a lot of short term relationships

I am surprised how many people overlook this. I’m 28 years old and have a personality disorder, and my longest relationship lasted for six months, which was four years ago. That should say something about me. It’s not normal for someone my age to never have maintained anything long-term.

If someone consistently fails to maintain relationships, that means they are a part of the problem. So, yes, I can point out faults in all my partners, but I also have faults. Having lots of short term relationships is a red flag — always pay attention to this.

3. Too perfect

If someone’s too good to be true, they are. Especially watch out for someone who seems to match your dreams — like in Tinder Swindler — if a rich guy who seems perfect falls in love with you, it’s a red flag.

Also, remember that people with personality disorders are mirroring you. They are good at becoming what you want them to be. I exaggerate certain personality traits depending on what I believe the other person is looking for. If they are looking for a bad girl and someone who is adventurous, I will exaggerate those traits. If they are looking for someone nicer, I will tone myself down. Similarly if they are talkative I will listen, if they are not I will talk more.

In other words, I’m constantly reading the person and adjusting myself accordingly. This is not done with predatory intention but is rather automatic. Most people with these disorders don’t know how to behave, so when they first meet you they just act the way you expect them to, or they believe you expect them to.

4. Too nice

I’m not talking about genuinely nice people. You need to separate genuine and natural niceness from feigned superficial niceness. I have noticed that it is common for people with personality disorders to appear extremely nice to the point they seem very angelic and innocent. It is the kind of niceness that would make someone think, ‘No way this person could ever do anything bad.’ In other words, they will feel unnaturally nice.

5. Appearance-conscious

Most people with personality disorders are highly narcissistic. This means they care what other people think about them and want to be perceived in a certain way. For example, they may openly boast about their financial success (whether or not it’s true) just to emphasise that they are wealthy because they are afraid to be thought of as poor or unsuccessful. They may care a lot about their physical appearance because it is essential for them to be physically attractive. They may invest in an excessive amount of plastic surgeries to maintain their good looks.

6. Superficial

You may notice you struggle to go deep when dealing with people who have personality disorders. The conversation can be very superficial — they don’t talk about anything of value. One of the most common variations of this is when you get someone who only talks about their work and achievements but not about their personal lives. They will often change the topic if you ask for something personal.

Another variation is that they are not very talkative at all or they bombard you with lots of information about themselves, mixing truth with lies. Either way, there is a lack of honesty about who they are, and somehow the conversation ends up feeling not too personal.

7. Materialistic

People with personality disorders tend to value objects more than humans. In other words, they are shallow. Especially those high on narcissism may care a lot about how they appear to others wanting to make sure they seem wealthy or successful. They may feel a lot of shame and embarrassment when others don’t see them in this light, so they may display their financial success even to the point of exaggerating it.

Pay attention to people who seem to value money a lot. We all value money but if it’s an obsession for them, then there is a problem. For example, if someone spends the money they don’t have on designer clothes and purses just to have the appearance, this is a sign that they are highly materialistic.

8. Exudes bad guy/girl traits

There is a phenomenon called “identification with the aggressor”, which is common in people with personality disorders. Just how much they identify as the aggressor will depend on the person, but most have this, at least to a certain degree. For example, if they seem proud to be a bad guy or a girl, this indicates they identify with their badness.

This is a problem because if someone believes their badness is good and beneficial for them, they will do bad things. For example, if they think people should never be forgiven or given a second chance, they won’t bother to empathise with you when they believe you wronged them. Or they won’t show kindness to you when you need this from them because they think being nice is a weakness.

9. Mental health problems

Personality disorders are often co-morbid with other mental health problems. It is very common for these people also to have mood disorders, ADHD, eating disorders, substance misuse disorders and even psychotic disorders. One of the things you can consider when you meet someone is whether they have a history of these. Even if they don’t tell you directly, you can check this by revealing some information about yourself. For example, you can tell them something like “I used to suffer from panic attacks when I was at uni” or “I was socially anxious during my teenage years” and see if they reveal something in return.

Obviously, just because someone had anxiety or panic attacks in the past doesn’t mean they have a personality disorder, but if this is in addition to multiple traits mentioned here, it probably does.

10. They are too distant or too close

When you go on a date with someone, pay attention to how they behave. For example, if they ensure they are always physically distant from you, don’t cuddle at all and don’t seem affectionate, this indicates that they are territorial. They don’t like being close to people because they are avoidantly attached and see intimacy as a threat.

On the opposite side, you may have someone who is way too affectionate to the point you will feel love bombed. They may want to cuddle too much or text you too much. They may say things like you are perfect for one another or declare their love way too quickly. This is also a sign that this person may be disordered.

In general, anything extreme should catch your attention. You don’t want too much or too little — you want someone who is in the middle.

11. Child-like innocent look

Personality disorders are arrested development. It means the person who has a disorder got stuck at a certain age when they were kids. In other words, they are developmentally immature. I have noticed this shows in their behaviour but also their physical appearances. Many look innocent to the point they seem very naive and easy to take advantage of. This may give you a false sense of safety when dealing with them, leading you to believe they are genuinely nice and naive.

12. They tell you

Some people with personality disorders will outright tell you. They may say something along the lines of “I think I might be a narcissist you know”, or because they identify with the aggressor very strongly, they may proudly say something like “I cheated on all my past partners.” If someone is open about being dysfunctional, believe them. Some people do not care about their image, appearances, or what others think of them. Or they derive their sense of pride from being seen as antisocial, which also indicates psychopathology.

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