12 Green Flags Of True Compatibility In Your Relationship

You’re both good, but are you good FOR each other?

One of the most difficult relationship lessons that we can learn is that you can have two good people who aren’t good for each other.

I hear every reason in the book from my clients about why they held on to the wrong person for too long.

Just this week a client told me that her ex was great with his son, which enhanced her respect for him.

While it is infinitely important to be a good parent, I reminded her that him being a good father doesn’t automatically make him a good husband.

So, how then, do you know that you and your partner aren’t just good separately, but good together?

Here are 12 signals to watch for:

1: You feel a sense of peace.

I’m starting with this point because I believe it is tragically overlooked. I talk a lot in my articles about passion, and adventure, and intimacy, and excitement in your relationship…but what is (sometimes) even more important is a sense of peace around your partner.

What does this mean, exactly?

It means that being around your love is calm and certain. You don’t feel anxiety, or stress, or tension when you’re in their presence, but serenity. You feel relaxed, and natural.

Imagine trying to spend your life with someone who always has you on edge — and not even necessarily on purpose.

This can stem from vast differences in worldviews and value systems. You know that you and your partner are going to disagree on decisions, or they’re going to disapprove of one of your habits, so you’re constantly worried and concerned about doing what feels natural to you.

How can you fully give yourself to that person and that relationship if you know that’s how your life is going to look?

You can’t.

2: You share similar values and worldviews.

This has always been important, but I believe it is now more so than ever.

Over the past few years (let’s say, about 6…) people starting putting their political requirements in their dating profiles.

“Swipe left if you voted for [insert name here].”

While politics are always a divisive topic, the “side of the aisle” that you’re on has become an immediate trigger for those opposite.

But, why?

I believe that we’ve started choosing a camp as a signal of our values and beliefs. Though I don’t believe in categories or labels, it seems we make blanket assumptions about someone’s value system based on how they vote.

While not always accurate, it simply magnifies the attention put on how people see the world. The way you vote is reflective of the way you think.

Whether it is social causes, business regulations, government overreach, immigration, gun control, education…or any of the millions of other topics affected by politics, the underlying truth is that seeing eye-to-eye on many of these issues is important to compatibility.

Yes, obviously you can (and should) disagree with your partner on things. This is not about finding a carbon copy of you.

However, if you’re adamantly opposed to something that they wholeheartedly support, and that “something” influences their lifestyle in a way that is incompatible with yours, the two will be too far apart to mesh together.

3: You can be fully yourself.

Couples who are truly compatible love and accept each other the way they are without trying to change them. When you feel this true and unrestricted freedom, it’s a sign that you’re with the right person who is truly a match for you because they love you for who you are, which includes your flaws, shortcomings, and insecurities.

(It’s okay, we all have them).

You can be fully open and honest with your partner about your wants, needs, desires, feelings, fears, and goals — because you know they love and accept you for who you really are.

4: You have common visions and goals for your future.

If you’re in a monogamous adult relationship that you plan to maintain for the long term, then you’ve got to look at the long term.

I recently had a conversation with a client about her previous relationship that ended a few months back.

She was telling me about all of her ambitions, and about how her former-flame was comfortable and content with his 9–5 job and the way things already were.

There’s nothing wrong with the way that you choose to live your life. That is your decision and your decision alone.

However, it doesn’t mean your decisions are going to be compatible with someone else’s.

What these two wanted for their futures was completely different. That means, inevitably, there’s going to be a fork in the road that they become split on.

It might not be tomorrow, or even in a year from now, but it will rise up eventually and the differences in lifestyle an goals will be too large to ignore.

In order to build a future with someone, you need to at least have similar views of what that future is going to look like. If not, you’ll be butting heads for years to come (or until one of you decides to leave).

5: You argue, but with empathy.

“James, are you saying that arguing is a sign of compatibility?”

Well, sort of. And here’s why:

Compatibility empowers you to be open and honest with each other. You seek to understand each other in new ways, and you don’t hide things from each other.

This means being open with your feelings, whether they’re good or bad.

When two people are open and honest, disagreements are naturally going to arise.

The alternative is keeping your feelings locked up, which inevitably leads to an explosion, eventually.

This is why arguing can be a healthy part of a relationship, it gives you an opportunity to find a middle ground and a solution to something that’s bothering one (or both) of you. Hiding your feelings and keeping them bottled up is unhealthy, and a sign that you can’t trust yourself or your partner to share them.

How you argue, though, is the key.

If every discussion you have devolves into a screaming match where someone gets hurt, and/or nothing gets resolved, this is clearly a bad sign and signals incompatibility.

On the flip side, if you can amicably and civilly discuss the problem as a team and work towards a solution, then it empowers you to face anything together and know that you can overcome it.

6: You’re proud to be with each other.

If the person you’re with isn’t proud to be with you, then you’re with the wrong person.

If you’re not proud to have the person you’re with, then you’re with the wrong person.

7: You get along with each others’ families.

Yes, a relationship is between the two of you, but the reality is that family plays a large role in (some of) our lives as well.

If your family is around and you still spend time with them, then it’s important that your partner meshes well with them, or at least can get along with them.

Birthdays, holidays, special occasions — are all going to involve your, their, or both of your families.

Is incompatibility with a family make-or-break for your relationship? That depends on the circumstances and how large of a role someone’s family plays in their life.

Regardless of the level of involvement, though, getting along with each other always makes things easier.

8: You’re sexually compatible.

We’re all adults here, so we can admit that a healthy and happy sex life is a foundational piece of a long term relationship.

This is going to look different for everyone, so staying focused on healthy and happy is the key. Finding whatever that looks like for your relationship is most important.

Compatibility in this area, though, is paramount.

If one of you enjoys something that the other absolutely refuses to do — then one of you will only stay flexible for so long until you feel that your needs aren’t being met.

If you can’t create a mutually enjoyable experience that you can both imagine having for the rest of your lives, then eventually your emotional and physical connection will begin breaking down and you’ll move further from each other, instead of closer.

You don’t have to love the same things as your partner, but you do have to acknowledge their needs as they acknowledge yours, because too much time passing of someone’s not being met, is going to cause tension and resentment.

9: Sex is NOT your top priority.

Yes, I believe that a healthy sex life is very high up on the list of things that keep a relationship strong. But, it cannot and should not be the glue that holds a relationship together.

If sex is all that you’re looking for, then a fling might be more your speed. Not committed monogamy.

Sex is a product of a happy relationship, not the source of the happiness.

You should be striving for emotional connection and intimacy. Contribution. Adding value. Having fun together outside of the bedroom.

These are the things that enhance emotional intimacy which subsequently increases physical intimacy. Which, ironically, means that prioritizing other things over sex will actually make the sex all that much better.

It’s a win/win.

10: You never doubt your partner’s love.

When someone is sure about you, you’ll know it and feel it. When they’re not, their actions (or lack of actions) will always leave you wondering.

11: You prioritize each other.

Yes, we have many priorities in life. Kids, work, bills, chores, obligations, family…but part of choosing to be in a relationship is prioritizing your partner as well.

Compatible partners understand each other’s needs to be heard, seen, and prioritized in the relationship.

They understand it makes the other feel important, valued, and desired. If one (or more) partners are lacking these feelings, they’ll eventually begin pulling away to protect themselves from the heartbreak and pain. This can only last so long before the string between you breaks.

12: You grow as individuals, and as a couple.

Here’s the big thing we don’t consider about compatibility — it’s fluid. Meaning, it changes as we change as humans over time.

You may be compatible with someone today, but if you’ve made a commitment to grow, learn, develop, and thrive in this life…and they haven’t…eventually your habits, patterns, perspectives, and results are going to look vastly different compared to theirs.

Suddenly, one day, you’ll realize you’re no longer compatible even though you once were.

The key to preventing this? Mutual growth.

This doesn’t mean you need to have the same interests and grow the same ways along the same paths — that’s unrealistic for two individual humans to do.

What it does mean, is that you both need to grow in your own ways over time.

You stay committed to your physical and mental health. You continue pursuing your passions, hobbies, and personal projects. You live in alignment with your identity and purpose.

You honor your body and mind by feeding it the highest quality fuel that you can.

You honor your partner by supporting their growth as they do for you.

If you’re both committed to reaching new heights and working together in order to do it, just imagine how far you can go…

This is why relationships are a team, and teams stick together in order to win the championship of life.

When you find someone who’s truly compatible with you in all ways, it will make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

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James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.