11 Reasons You’re Still Single — And What You Can Do About Them

The reason you tell yourself, the real reason, and what it means

I have been, for all intents and purposes, single for a few years now. It still feels strange to say because, silly me, I thought the last relationship just might be the last relationship.

That’s not to say that I haven’t dated casually over the last few years. But I haven’t made that leap to updating relationship statuses, and if I’m honest, even casual relationships have been limited for a few reasons.

Have you ever looked around and noticed the people in relationships and then wondered how it is that you’re still single? There are reasons. There are the reasons you tell yourself. There are the reasons you tell other people. Somewhere in between that is the truth.

11 Reasons You’re Still Single

You Don’t Trust Yourself

Let’s be honest. If you’ve had any bad relationships at all, your self-trust has likely taken a hit. I once had a relationship so emotionally abusive that I could not understand how I had allowed it. How did I not see that coming? Why couldn’t I extricate myself faster? How could I let someone like him chip away at my self-worth?

Even relationships that don’t involve abuse can make us doubt ourselves. Including the best relationships — because how could we believe someone was for us when they didn’t end up loving and choosing us in the end?

Sometimes, we remain single because we just don’t trust our decision-making abilities any longer, and the truth is that we have to try to get back out there if we ever want to learn how to make better decisions. To learn to choose better, we actually have to choose.

Anyone can have good relationships in theory. It’s in practice that it really matters. That’s when we test our theories to see if they actually work. We’ll rebuild self-trust as we make ourselves more vulnerable and practice. Mistakes are natural, but it’s not a good enough reason to stop trying.

You’re Allowing Your Past Relationship History to Define Your Future

If you’ve had some past relationships that haven’t worked out, you may have created some narratives in your head about the future. Just because one person cheats does not mean they all will. Just because someone you loved was once emotionally unavailable and couldn’t love you doesn’t mean you won’t find someone who’s open, ready, and available for a deeper connection.

Your past history is only a predictor of the future if you don’t learn your lessons and grow as a person. Internalizing ideas about relationships just because the wrong ones didn’t work out can keep you single even when you’d be healthier to connect and date new people.

Your View of Love is Skewed by Trauma and/or Attachment

If you have a history of trauma or any type of attachment style other than secure, it skews your view of love. Whether you adopted insecure, avoidant, or fearful avoidant attachment styles as a result of your childhood or experienced trauma at some point in your life, it doesn’t just change your thoughts. It changes your physiology, too. You begin to have physical reactions to emotional triggers.

You learn to see love as something to be feared. It’s that feeling of waiting for that other shoe to drop — of expecting the worst even when things are going well. Without healing, you’ll continue to see love as inextricably tied to pain, and it will impact how you manage your relationships with other people.

As an anxiously attached person with a long history of trauma, I always suspect that I will be left behind and abandoned. I wait for it. I’m constantly checking the temperature of my relationships. While I have all the skills necessary to become a securely attached individual, I also have all the physical reactions of being an insecurely attached one. It takes work to challenge the fears and create a secure, healthy attachment with a partner willing to do the same.

Sometimes, we’re single because we haven’t yet dealt effectively with attachment issues or trauma. We see everything through a clouded lens. It skews our perspective and shades our relationship experiences.

You Don’t Want to Be Vulnerable

You might still be single because you refuse to ever be hurt again. You don’t want to be vulnerable. You just want to live your arguably best life safely in your comfort zone.

I understand that feeling so well. It’s hard to want to take another risk when we have a long history of risks leading to negative consequences rather than rewards. But vulnerability is necessary for true connection and intimacy. There’s no way to have a healthy relationship without it.

It takes an enormous amount of bravery to show someone who we truly are and to let them see our flaws. Let’s be real: not every person we show is going to be worthy of that big reveal. Some people can’t handle it — or just don’t know how to manage what it triggers in them.

That doesn’t mean we should stop trying. It just means that we need to realize that vulnerability isn’t a guarantee. It’s an act of faith. We’re vunerable because we know it’s necessary for true intimacy, but we also accept that it’s not a guarantee of it either.

You Claim You Have High Standards Instead of High Walls

Sometimes, people claim high standards instead of high walls. They say they’re looking for the right one, but the ways they’re ruling out potential partners is highly suspect. In fact, they are more likely to notice and recognize flaws than potential.

When we have high standards, we’re looking for indicators that a person is compatible with our lifestyles, values, and future. We’re looking for healthy boundaries and communication. We’ve come up with a list of things we want, but we’ve also come up with a list of flaws we could live with in the right person because we’re all flawed.

If you have trouble conceptualizing this, try this exercise. Write down your own flaws that someone else would have to deal with if they choose to partner with you. For instance, I am a chaotic sleeper. I move around a lot to get comfortable. I have a neuroendocrine disorder that functions like a mood disorder. I hate being talked to when I’m asleep or interrupted when I read, and I can be a chaotic mess of a human. I’m highly driven in a way that can be annoying, and I interrupt when I get excited.

So… I hope someone could love me through the things that I do that are annoying. I work on what I can, but some of the things about me are flaws I can’t necessarily control or fix entirely. We should all have high standards, but if they aren’t realistic, then the truth is that we just have high walls.

You’re Stuck in Grief from a Past Relationship

It’s hard to find new love when stuck in grief from a past relationship. I’ll give a great example. I went out on a date with someone who is undeniably, objectively attractive. Not a little bit cute. Majorly sexy. Yet, I was still reeling from a relationship that I did not want to end. I had so much grief still processing beneath the surface that it wasn’t until the second date with this other person that I realized just how attractive he was.

I wanted to move on, but I wasn’t ready yet. I couldn’t even see what was right in front of me because I was still stuck in feelings for someone else. While this new man and I would go on to be friends, I remember how strange it was to not even be able to accurately see what was obvious to anyone else because I had grief’s tunnel vision.

Sometimes, we’re still single because we’re doing the best we can to deal with old feelings. We need time to heal, but it means sitting with the discomfort of grief and loneliness.

You’re Choosing Comfort Over Connection

We might even stay single because we’re opting for comfort over connection. Going out on dates takes effort. Sometimes, I don’t want to get out of my pajamas when I’m cozy on my couch with my dog, a book, and a nice glass of wine. When the outcome of the date is uncertain, it’s hard to want to bother with it.

We might choose to be single because it’s easier than trying to connect with someone new. There’s less risk involved. It’s very comfortable. But we don’t grow in that comfort either.

If nothing else, it becomes necessary to build and maintain strong friendships. We’re made to connect with others, and it doesn’t have to be a romantic connection either. We can choose to be comfortably single and invest our time and energy into nourishing friendships over chaotic dating.

You Realize a Relationship Isn’t a Guarantee of Happiness

He says he wants a wife. I just met him on a dating app. The thing is, I don’t know if I want to get married again. I’m not sure that it’s beneficial to women. I don’t see how it would benefit me in particular other than making other people more comfortable with my life. A partner would be nice, but it hasn’t always made me happy.

When we realize that a relationship isn’t a guarantee of happiness, the next stage of our life begins. I know plenty of miserable people in relationships and plenty of happy singles. It’s not the relationship status that matters.

Once you realize this, it’s not a big deal that you’re single. In fact, it’s time to enjoy it. Oftentimes, other people feel like we should be lonely and don’t understand that we’d rather have our problems than their coupled ones.

You Have Control Issues

I’m a single parent with amazing kids, a cute dog, a great house, and a dream job. I don’t want anyone to come along and wreck what I’ve got, and I also don’t know if I want to share all of that with someone else. Let’s be honest: some of us have control issues. It makes us feel safe when we haven’t had a lot of security in life or in our relationships.

I’ll admit that I have some control issues. While I’ve never tried to control other people, I certainly do my best to control my life. Do I realize it is an exercise in futility? Of course! Do I try to do it anyway? Obviously so!

I love being able to create my life. I like being the boss of everything. I enjoy organizing our schedule by what we want without having to consider another adult. Until I meet someone who fits into our lives without subtracting from what we’ve built already, I don’t mind being single.

You’re Willing to Wait for the Right One at the Right Time

Some of us are single because we just haven’t met the right person at the right time. We’re waiting. We don’t feel the pressure to find someone if they aren’t a good match for us.

Timing really is everything. At the same time, we can’t just sit at home binge-watching the latest streaming series and expect the person we want to show up at our door ready for a relationship. We might actually have to put ourselves out there and be available.

I’m dating online despite how much I loudly proclaim I hate it. This time, it hasn’t been bad. It’s been interesting. I don’t feel any pressure to find a relationship, but I do feel a desire to be open to one and to make myself available for meeting new people. It’s working for me.

We’re not all single because we don’t love ourselves enough or are still healing from past pain. Sometimes, we’re loving our lives and trusting in the timing of the Universe.

You’ve Embraced the Benefits of the Single Life

And sometimes, we just realize that being single is kind of amazing. I don’t just say that because I can sleep whereever I want in a cozy king-size bed. I don’t say it because I don’t have a partner stressing me out with his hot and cold routine. I say it because there are many benefits, and I am thoroughly enjoying them.

I’ve had men wreck my finances and steal my peace. I’ve had them come in and inconvenience me at every turn. While not all of my relationships have been bad, my single life has been primarily good. I love the life I’ve created. I have plenty of interests, an active lifestyle, and a home base that I’ve thoroughly nested into and enjoy. I’m happy.

People tell us we’re not happy. If we express temporary loneliness, it’s taken to mean that we’re never happy with our single lives. If we confess to wanting companionship, it’s seen as desiring an end to our single states. Sometimes, we just want to be dating and connecting without looking for a relationship status update or for anyone to put a ring on it. We can enjoy being single and still have days where we complain about it, too.

There are a lot of reasons we stay single. More than I could ever list here. For me, it’s a mix. I’m working through attachment issues and trauma. I’ve spent a long time healing from a past relationship or two. I like my creature comforts and find security in my routine. I actually like being single.

But I also know that I’ll never get better at relationships in theory. I know that I have so much more love to give. Maybe you do, too. Sometimes, we just have to get out of our own way and get out into our lives instead.

We fear the pain, but we forget to look for the beautiful possibilities. We could make a new friend or simply have an enjoyable new experience. We could choose to stay single because we love it, or we can choose to open ourselves up to a relationship. The thing is, we get to choose. And, if we choose wrong, to choose again. It’s that simple.

But never easy. So, if you’re disheartened at your single status, just remember: Love is abundant — even when you can’t see it. You are worthy — even when you don’t feel it.