Summary

The article presents 11 mental strategies to reframe and cope with the sting of failure, promoting resilience and personal growth.

Abstract

The article titled "11 Mental Soothing Balms to Pull the Sting Out of Your Failures" offers insights into transforming the perception of failure into a learning and growth opportunity. It emphasizes that failure is a common experience and suggests that the insights gained from setbacks can lead to greater future success. The author, who is part of a community of accountability partners, shares personal mental models that serve as "mental soothing balms" to alleviate the emotional impact of failing to meet goals. These models include recognizing the value of lessons learned from failure, distinguishing between planned expectations and reality, separating personal identity from failures, and embracing the iterative nature of problem-solving. The article encourages viewing tasks as experiments for gathering data, acknowledging the shared difficulty of challenges as a sign of their significance, and shifting from binary outcomes to appreciating incremental progress. It also highlights the importance of long-term perspective, focusing on practice rather than performance, and maintaining boldness despite setbacks. The author concludes by reassuring readers that failure is a part of life's learning process and that these mental strategies can serve as comfort for themselves and others.

Opinions

The author believes that the true value of attempting a task lies in the insights gained, especially when initial attempts do not succeed.
It is suggested that planning does not always align with reality, and unexpected obstacles are part of the journey to success.
The article posits that personal worth should not be tied to the outcomes of one's endeavors.
It is argued that creative problems require incubation time, and apparent lack of progress may precede a breakthrough.
The author promotes the idea of treating tasks as experiments to detach from the pressure of immediate success and focus on learning.
Difficulties faced in pursuits are seen as indicators of worthwhile challenges that can lead to a competitive edge.
The article criticizes binary thinking about success and failure, advocating for recognition of the nuanced nature of progress.
It encourages a long-term view of life as a series of games, where today's setback is not the end of the journey.
The author emphasizes the importance of enjoying the process of practice and improvement, akin to a child learning to walk.
The piece advises against fixating on a single opportunity, suggesting that there are countless chances for success.
It commends the courage of those who dare to try, even if it results in public failure, framing it as a victory over regret.

RESILIENCE

11 Mental Soothing Balms to Pull the Sting Out of Your Failures

Reframe your failures for powerful mental healing

Has a traumatizing failure hit you lately? The kind of failure you can’t help but obsess about. One that plays back constantly in your mind.

Well, guess what? Everyone experiences a sour failure from time to time, including me. While working with accountability partners, we often get upset when we don’t reach a goal. In that situation, the best antidote is to use reframing to get the sting out of our apparent failure.

Over the years, I’ve collected many mental models to do just that. I like to call them “mental soothing balms”. And here’s a list of my favorite ones…

1. The pearl behind the shadows. If it works the first time, it’s fine. But it won’t teach you much. When you fail, you get more insights. Which makes you more likely to succeed in the long run.

2. The map is not the field. What you plan is not the same as what you find in the pathway. There are unexpected obstacles and we are often too optimistic about them. So yes, it can take longer than expected to go from point A to point B.

3. Your failures don’t define you. You are not your failures. Some people might judge you because of them. But the ones who genuinely care for you will always love you, whatever the outcomes.

4. Path problems and insight problems. Path problems are logical, step-by-step problems. Insight problems depend on a creative breakthrough. You may think you didn’t advance on a task, but some insight is slowly incubating in your mind. Your breakthrough might be around the corner!

5. Just an experiment. Think of your task as an experiment. The goal was not to succeed but to collect information. There is no failure or success, just data. And now that you learned from this experiment, you are better equipped for the next one!

6. If it’s hard for you, it’s hard for others. Your difficulties mean you have picked a problem worth solving. If you persevere, you will end up with a tremendous competitive edge.

7. Black and white thinking. Thinking about an outcome as a failure or success is binary thinking. In reality, many tasks fall in the middle. Try to let go of your perfectionism and recognize the progress you’ve made.

8. Finite and infinite games. Ok, maybe you lost one game. But you didn’t lose the overall game of life. Tomorrow is another day. And you will have many other occasions to shine.

9. Focus on the practice, not the performance. For most of his infancy, a toddler fails at standing on their feet. And then their efforts pay off. Just think about the baby falling and falling again with a big smile. Can you adopt the same attitude?

10. A million opportunities. So you got rejected by your dream company and feel like a failure? Unfortunately, we often fall in love with what is in front of us and are blind to the other fantastic opportunities in our reach. Don’t worry, other *incredible* options will come your way.

11. The gut to do it. Ok, maybe you failed big time in front of many people and feel ashamed by it. But at least you showed up. That’s courageous! You can be proud of it. Boldness is the best way to make sure regrets don’t haunt you when you grow older.

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Yes, experiencing failure is hard. But it’s what makes you learn and grow. Next time you feel down over a goal you did not reach, use this list to look at it from a different angle. It will act as a soothing balm in your mind.

It’s also great to support your accountability buddy or comfort your friends and family members.

On February 1st, 2022, I’ve embarked on a 100 days writing challenge. This is post number 45.

Originally published at https://alexphili.com on March 17th, 2022.