10 Ways To Be A Decent Human Being

The powerful, unspoken lessons I learned from my Mum

“Life doesn’t come with a manual, it comes with a mother.” Unknown

If it wasn’t for my mother, I wouldn’t be me.

Alongside my father, she guided us to become the decent human I am today. She did not domineer, dictate or act overtly controllingly. She was more a chaperone.

My mum was a role model.

1. Think of others

My mother was one of the kindest, selfless people I have known. She volunteered time at church to sing in the choir, served on the vestry, helped with the flower arranging, and delivered meals to the sick and needy.

Saturdays were reserved to collect Granny B, an elderly friend who had hardly any family nearby. Mum would wash and roll her hair into curlers, cook a scrumptious meal, chat about everything and nothing before driving her back home later in the evening.

Mum taught me to always think of others, especially those who don’t have a large support network.

2. Food, glorious food

Every night there was a homecooked meal on the table and the biscuit and cakes tins were never empty. Mum taught me how to bake and cook; how to make jam, preserves, pickles, and freeze freshly dug vegetables from Dad’s garden.

I can still remember the day I screwed up the recipe for ‘never fail meringues’. She didn’t get mad; Mum just quietly suggested I followed the instructions next time.

Mum had a magical touch when it came to entertaining. She had a selection of party treats up her sleeve that still make my mouth water — and that I have in my repertoire to this day. It was fun helping with the preparations and handing around nibbles to guests.

She could time things to perfection; a meal for a crowd was always plentiful, tasty, and hot. She was fondly known as the ‘hostess with the mostest’, a character trait of hers that I proudly possess today.

We always ate dinner ( supper) together. It was an important time to share our daily activities and appreciate the life we were given.

Mum taught me that food not only nourishes the body, but it unites family and friends.

3. Work together

Our home was always immaculate — everything had a place and it was spick and span. Mum insisted we help around the house with chores such as peeling the potatoes, setting the table, or doing the dishes. To this day, I can’t leave the house without my bed being made because it was one of Mum’s rules.

Mum taught me that by working together to maintain a clean, tidy house, we not only lightened her load but gained respect for each other.

4. Patience is a virtue

Mum made most of my sister’s and my clothes — whether knitted or sewn. She would spend her evenings quietly working away on her creations, sometimes in secret after we went to bed.

She also taught me how to knit, sew and stitch. Her patience as a teacher has influenced how I teach today.

Mum taught me to be patient; to try and try again until I got it right; to seek help if I needed it; to start off with the simple things and progress to the more challenging; to celebrate accomplishments however small. She taught me pride.

5. All creatures are worthy of respect

Pets were always part of our lives thanks to Mum. She would feed the stray cats and make a bed for them in the garage when she knew they were about to deliver a litter of babies.

Despite being mortified the day Dad brought home a young orphaned lamb from his friend's farm, she allowed us to keep her.

Even though she hated mice, she agreed the school pet mouse could spend summer with us.

She saved the veggie scraps for the guinea pigs and sheltered us from the death of Bertie the budgie for as long as she could.

Mum taught me how to care and opened my heart to furry creatures.

6. There are always those less fortunate

Although mum never overtly said that life is not all plain sailing, one learns pretty quickly that it isn’t.

Instead of marching to school and insisting an annoying boy be removed from my class, she taught me ways to manage his unwelcome behaviour.

If I moaned about not having something or compared our family with another, she would gently remind me of what we did have —and how lucky we were in comparison to many less fortunate people.

Mum taught me to problem solve and to appreciate and be thankful for what I have.

7. Have a conscious

I worked hard at school to make both Mum and Dad proud. They instilled a mindset that ‘you reap what you sow’. I knew my boundaries, respected my elders, and had impeccable manners. I knew there would be consequences if I didn’t.

Although there were expectations from us as kids, mum never made any demands on me as an adult. She waved me off to the other end of the country when I graduated nursing school; later, to the other side of the world, knowing what it meant.

She understood that when I came back to New Zealand for visits there were other people I needed to see. Not once did she question my choices or decisions how my time was divided. She graciously took what she was given.

Mum taught me right from wrong; to never bear grudges, judge or influence someone else's decisions.

8. Some things are better left unsaid

Mum surreptitiously hid the truth from us for years about her medical woes, protecting us from the unthinkable possibilities that no doubt permeated her mind.

When I did find out years later, I was mad because I hated the thought of her suffering while we were blissfully unaware.

I now understand why she did this because I have done the same.

Two of my biggest challenges were raising three kids on the other side of the world and the subsequent failure of my marriage. I did what she did — protected my children, and said little to her and Dad, not wanting to worry them.

I stayed in an unhappy marriage until my kids were old enough to speak up for themselves. What seemed an insurmountable hurdle was finally jumped.

Mum taught me to tackle problems with courage; that the best-made decisions are not selfish but mindful of others.

9. Advocate for Others

Despite disability and physical dependence, Mum’s brain still worked very well. When living her final years in a care facility, her voice was her weapon.

She used it to advocate for herself — and others — to address care concerns, such as the time it took to answer a call bell.

Mum taught me to look out for others and never be afraid to speak my mind or voice a concern.

10. Be a role model

Mum was always there for me. As a child, she would cleanse my skinned knees and help with homework. As a teen, she would help soothe a broken heart. As an adult, she would offer suggestions on surviving motherhood.

Her gentle persuasion and maternal grace shaped me into the mother I am today. I have raised my children with the same values that she instilled in me.

Mum taught me that the bond between a mother and her offspring is a powerful connection built on respect and love.

In her 76 years of life, my Mum faced more than her fair share of health battles but rarely complained. Her life was dedicated to being the best mother to her three children.

Even when she was sick, the needs of others came ahead of hers. She fought her illness, determined to be around for us despite the odds that were stacked against her.

Giving up was never an option — for our sake. She repeatedly hit walls and bounced back, not ready to succumb to an unwelcome invader in her body.

She may have passed away 7 years ago, but she still lives on in me.

I have big shoes to fill.

“All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother” — Abraham Lincoln

Authors note: This story was first published at Vocal Media for a contest. I have reworked some of the content. It was inspired by a previously scribed story ‘Beating the Odds’