10 Unexpected Life Lessons From A Dismal Year

And the Art of Reframing Your Situation

I’m glad 2023 is over, aren’t you? Mine was pretty dismal compared to my regular standard, so it’s basically inevitable that 2024 will be better.

However, I’m always keen to learn my lessons and this year has certainly opened my eyes to a few big things.

Want to learn vicariously instead of living my bad year? Yeah, you do.

Choose Your Co-Parents Wisely

In the UK it’s expected that 42% of marriages will end up in divorce, and probably a whole lot of non-married serious relationships will result in a breakup too.

With that in mind, I think people should start choosing the parents of their children according to how great they will be as a co-parent.

I mean, face it. Once you’ve had kids you’re not going to see much of each other anymore. You’ll both be working opposite schedules and if one of you wants to go out the other will be stuck at home with the kids. You’ll end up with completely separate lives and friends because of it. You’ll see each other for some chill time and bedroom time, but not much around that.

So when you inevitably break up, how is your other half going to shape up as a co-parent? Will they take the kids places? Will they make sensible decisions? Will they take responsibility for the kids? Will they be a good role model? Will they buy the kids nice clothes? Will they stay employed? Will they maintain civil and prompt communication with you?

Or will they be a deadbeat who chooses partying over the kids and gives you the silent treatment?

Your Youngest Child Starting School is Everything

Hang in there, mamas! Things really do change for the better when your youngest kid finally starts school.

Seriously, that wraparound care at school is the lifeline you have been waiting for to finally be able to work a proper job again.

Until then, relax and know that it isn’t you that’s the problem. It’s the complete lack of childcare available that actually works around a 9–5 job.

Don’t Be A Bangmaid

There’s a nasty subset of people who are keen on having a partner at home who does all the childcare, chores, and cooking. They also want the partner to get in the bedroom when asked and to be happy to be ignored the rest of the time. These people just want bangmaids, and if you suspect your partner is treating you like a bangmaid, just get out.

Honestly, your life becomes so much easier once you’ve lost the dead weight.

Ditch them.

You don’t need that negativity and your life will be better without them.

Some People Don’t Deserve Information About You

I made a mistake the other day and allowed my ex to see on my calendar that I’d applied for annual leave on a particular day, which I’d planned to use to see a show. Guess what happened next?

“Oh, I can’t have the kids that day and I know you can get leave easily.”

Right.

Never again. Some people will use information against you. Don’t give them information they don’t need.

If They’re A Deadbeat Parent, Make Them Pay

Much as I believe that it’s ideal to split childcare and costs 50/50, some people will just use you whenever possible. If your ex is a deadbeat parent and prefers their social life over their kids, don’t wait to see if that will change. Go straight to the Child Maintenance Service and make an official arrangement. Also, write a parenting plan and get them to agree to it before they start randomly dropping more responsibility on you when you least expect it.

If your ex is like this, they’re controlling you through childcare arrangements. Don’t take that lying down.

You’ll still have no social life thanks to their selfishness, but at least you’ll be appropriately compensated for their lack of responsibility.

People Will Blame You For Their Own Choices

Funny thing about people is that they’ll make their bed but they often still don’t want to lie in it.

They f*$k around, but they don’t want to find out what happens next and deal with the consequences.

And then they’ll blame you.

Just laugh, there’s nothing you can do.

Solo Dates Are Great

When you’re dating someone, not only do you need to find time to go on dates, plan babysitters and all the rest, but you need to compromise on what you’re actually going to do with that time. On a solo date there is no need to compromise. You just do whatever you actually want to do.

On a solo date, you can eat whatever cuisine you love, without having to make sure there’s something on the menu your partner likes. You can see shows, plays and movies your partner would never have wanted to see. You can go on a long hike your partner would have whinged about. You can peruse a museum at your own pace.

You. Can. Buy. Yourself. Flowers.

Do solo dates and don’t look back.

Make Your Home Awesome

If you have kids, you’re probably often at home a lot. Those kiddos need sleep and you’ll often find yourself under house arrest. Even if you don’t have kids, having an amazing set up at home means you can spend quality time enjoying yourself in peace and not spending too much money going out.

So, do your best to make your place as awesome as it can be.

Build your board game collection to play with the kids and your friends. Buy your kids toys and books they can entertain themselves with for hours. Be prepared for an impromptu house party with your besties at all times.

Have a comfy jumper blanket, books and your streaming services ready for idle evenings. Buy yourself movies and popcorn to watch on a Saturday night by yourself.

Make your house smell really nice. Declutter. Buy some nice art.

If your house is so awesome you never want to leave, you’re winning.

Flexible Remote Work Is The Best Goal

Flexible remote work is a vital piece of the employment puzzle for many parents, but it’s also really useful for many other subsets of people, including those with mobility issues and people trying to work around studies.

Here’s a hint: work for a government agency. Most government agencies have flexible work policies that work around childcare and the school year. They’re also often happy to let you work remotely. Plus, there are many roles you can take on and plenty of great departments you can specialise in that will give you a sense of purpose with your work.

I wish I’d known this a decade before I’d had children, preferably while I was trying to do my first degree.

If you ever plan on becoming a parent, try this.

Paid Help Is Invaluable

Make sure you have a list of babysitters up your sleeve for emergencies.

My ex has taken to suddenly being unable to have the kids at the last minute, even when I’m working. It’s a childish, abusive tactic designed to control my financial life and my ability to build a support network.

The only way to protect yourself from this sort of control is to continue to build your social network (despite being unable to go out much because you’re at home with the kids all the time), and to source paid help. The more babysitters you know and trust, the better equipped you are to deal with your ex’s coercive control efforts.

This also goes for any paid help if you’re alone in the world. I’ve seen a lot of elderly people this year who needed a rota of carers and cleaners and people to buy their shopping for them. Build your network of paid helpers well before you think you need them. It’s worth it.

Avoiding My Mistakes

So, that awful year of mine could turn out to be a boon to people wanting to avoid the same minefields. Keep these lessons in mind:

• Don’t make babies with people who would be bad co-parents.
• Do your best until your kids all go to school and then your career can thrive again.
• Kick out any partner who wants a bangmaid.
• Keep your plans private so you can’t be manipulated.
• Make deadbeat parents pay their dues ASAP.
• Expect that you’ll probably become a scapegoat for someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their own life.
• Go on lots of solo dates, even if you’re in a relationship.
• Make your home life so awesome you don’t need to escape.
• Find flexible remote work as early as possible in your life.
• Plan ahead and get paid help before you need it.

But also, if you wind up having a year a bit like mine, take the chance to reframe the situation into a positive outlook.

For instance, I now get to see quite a lot of my kids and don’t have to share them with my ex very often, and he pays me for that privilege because that’s what he chose to do. I also have a much nicer house and home life, and my calendar is filling up with events I chose for myself.

Bring on the new year!