10 Tips To Get Rid of Internalized Ableism

For disabled people and non-disabled people alike.

Coming to terms with your disabled identity means facing your internalized ableism. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad disabled person, but in order to uplift the community as fully as possible, it is a process that one must go through. This article is aimed at disabled people who are newly disabled or just joining the community, but non-disabled people can and should apply these tips to their own lives as well!

1. Consume as much own voices media as you can.

Make all the TBR, TBW, and TBL lists that you need, because there’s a wealth of disability stories available for you to consume. Why is it important that they are own voices? So you can make sure they’re authentic to the disability represented, as well as to avoid the negative lenses in media made about disabled people by non-disabled people. I write reviews of disability media frequently, so feel free to check out my articles on my profile if you’re looking for some ideas. As for where to find quality disability media, I highly recommend archive.org for free books and audiobooks, as well as Kanopy for free films (through the Libby platform). You can also request books and films through your local library!

2. Identify how you feel about your own disability, and journal/keep voice notes of your progress.

Therapists are expensive, inaccessible, and oftentimes cannot relate to struggles with our disabled identity if they are not disabled themselves. There are Deaf therapy centers, such as National Deaf Therapy and the Deaf Counseling Center in the U.S., as well as counseling services through small businesses run by neurodivergent people, but disability-specific therapy resources are hard to come by. Therefore, you will have to start a conversation with yourself on how you’re feeling about your disability over time. Whether you want to keep voice notes or a journal, it’s good to be able to check in on your progress as you begin to accept yourself, because you will likely be processing a LOT of emotions.

3. Examine the social model vs. the medical model of disability.

The medical model of disability looks at disability as a thing to cure, while the social model looks at disability as something to celebrate. We are conditioned from a young age to only subscribe to the medical model, which can make us feel less than from a young age. We see our disability as the problem, and by extension, us. This is wrong, but it takes time to unlearn it. The more you engage with the disability community and disability stories, the more you will be able to shift from the harmful medical model to the social model that allows us to thrive.

4. Make disabled friends (especially if you’re neurodivergent).

It is my firm belief that part of the late diagnosis experience is realizing all your friends are neurodivergent as well. I remember how it felt like I was entering a new stage of friendship with everyone, where we were more vulnerable than we had ever been, and closer than ever. However, if you don’t have any neurodivergent friends or friends with similar disabilities, try to look for local support groups and organizations, or on social media. There are pages devoted to disabled friendships, so give that a try! You don’t have to find all new best friends to which you devote a lot of time to, but finding people who share your disabilities will help you feel not so alone.

5. Learn the signed language of your country.

Signed languages have so many benefits, not just for Deaf and Hard of Hearing people, but also for neurodivergent people who go nonverbal. Going to my first Deaf social and using a language that felt so natural to me awakened my Deaf identity. Conversing in a language that was fully accessible made me realize just how much work I had previously been doing to communicate with hearing people. I started to question what the hearing people in my life (who had never learned ASL) had done to deserve all the effort I put into our relationship. How much you use it is up to you, and you’re still Deaf whether you sign or not, but for mainstreamed individuals in particular, it is a gateway to loving your Deaf self.

6. Adjust your goals to what you are capable of/have the spoons for.

Comparing how much you get done in a day to that of a non-disabled person is fruitless and will only lead to self-pity. In a way, being disabled is a built-in anti-hustle culture mindset. We have no choice but to live slow, but that’s kind of a good thing! Maybe we can’t control our high-pressure jobs, but at the very least, your home life is where you should be reasonable with yourself. Rest is important. The dishes can wait, I promise you.

7. Get all the mobility aids/assistive devices/fidget toys you need.

TikTok may be a consumerist hellscape, but it is great for product recommendations. Check out creators with your disability for recommendations on items you can purchase to make your life easier. Etsy shops are also a great place to spend some time looking for products as well, just make sure it’s not supporting an autism mom (avoid the puzzle piece at all costs).

8. Train yourself to notice inaccessibility vs. personal failings.

It’s really easy to blame ourselves rather than the inaccessibility of the world, because changing ourselves feels more possible than changing the entire world. For example, let’s say you have anxiety and absolutely butchered an interview. Did the interviewer create a calm environment for you, or did they intentionally put the pressure on you to see if you could handle it? It’s natural for you to wish you didn’t have an anxiety disorder in this instance, but an inclusive interviewer would know how to encourage your success. It’s not necessarily about putting the blame on the other person and making the world your adversary, but more about recognizing how big of a role inaccessibility plays in our lives.

9. Practice self-advocacy.

Self-advocacy is a learned skill that we should all be taught in school, but almost none of us are. Construct a script for situations in which you will likely need to advocate for yourself, such as at a doctor’s appointment, when traveling, and with strangers. Practice what you will say in the face of ableist remarks, too. You can grab a partner (ideally a former theatre kid) or use a mirror, whichever tickles your fancy. If you go nonverbal, have the script in your notes app so you can show it to the people you need to. Here’s one example below:

Situation: on board a flight

You: Hello, I have epilepsy and I just want to alert someone in case I have a seizure. Is the staff trained on what to do in the event that a passenger has a seizure?

Flight Attendant: No, we’re not.

You: Okay, well I am on medication, so the risk is low, but I just want you to be prepared. If you see me having a seizure, please make sure I don’t have any food or drink in my mouth, lay me down in the aisle nearby, put a pillow under my neck, and monitor me until I recover, making sure I don’t injure myself. Do you have any questions?

Flight Attendant: Got it. Do you have this information written down anywhere?

You: Yes, I have it in my notes app here if you’d like to take a screenshot.

Flight Attendant: Okay, I’ll take a screenshot here and alert the other crew members. Have a great rest of your flight!

10. Create boundaries.

Decide what questions you are comfortable with answering if people tend to treat you like an encyclopedia on your disability, and know that it’s okay for your willingness to change depending on the situation. Secondly, look at the people you interact with on a regular basis. Do they validate your disability? Are they doing research in order to support you as much as possible? When it comes to friendships and relationships that we can control, finding people you do not have to mask around is the most freeing thing. Lastly, look at the boundaries you have with yourself. You will not be able to accomplish a 20-item to-do list everyday. Which tasks are necessary to get done today, and which can be pushed off to a later date or delegated to a friend? If you have the budget, can you outsource things like meals, bookkeeping, etc.? Are there any hobbies you want to make more time for? Look at where you are putting all of your spoons and allocate accordingly.

I hope that these tips help you to accept yourself and your place in the world as a disabled person. Every disabled person, including myself, has times where we think how much easier our lives might be if we weren’t disabled, and we need to hold space for that. At the same time, being disabled offers a built-in community and a valuable perspective of the world. Whether you choose to go the route of disability neutrality or disability positivity is up to you; just know that loving your disabled self is a powerful weapon against ableism, and I’m rooting for you to get there.

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