10 Times In Life When You Learn Who Someone Really Is

Who’s behind the mask?

When it comes to getting to know a person — I mean truly and deeply getting to know them, there is sometimes a chasm between what they choose to show us, and what the reality actually is.

Naturally, learning about people takes time. Hell, learning about ourselves takes time. And, I’m not suggesting that a person will intentionally keep things from you, or misrepresent themselves to you. If they are doing this, it’s obviously best to distance yourself from the dishonesty.

However, for most, it’s simply a matter of spending enough time with them to learn what they really stand for, how they respond to a variety of situations, and what’s most important to them.

In this article, we’ll discuss some instances over the course of one’s life when you see their true colors shine through, and see if what they’re telling you is actually aligned with the truth.

1: When they’re under heavy stress.

We’d all like to pretend that life is always sunshine and rainbows and bunnies hopping through fields, but we know that’s simply not the reality we live in.

Life comes along with its wonderful variety of stressors. There’s pressure in your business or work, pressure from your kids, financial pressure, pressure to get the mortgage paid, the in-laws their lawnmower back, the oil changed because the car won’t stop yelling at you every time you start it.

There are big and small things in life that, when all pile on top of each other, can feel overwhelming and unmanageable.

During these times, when we feel like things are spiraling out of control and we cannot keep up with them — or even when one single source of stress is looming above us, is when we get a glimpse at our own (and someone else’s) true character.

Do they recoil into themselves, shut down, and pretend like nothing is happening?

Do they neatly and clearly organize tasks in order of priority and begin executing on them?

Do they plow through everything at once like a bull in an antiques shop?

Do they get mean or angry?

Highly stressful times pull back our mask. They reconnect us to the base of ourselves and can put us into a reactionary mode that begins to drive our mood and our actions.

This, however, provides an opportunity for us as the partner or friend of the person under stress. It’s an opportunity to step up and help balance things out. If they’re frantic and erratic — be their beacon in the storm. Their steady and calm pillar to hold on to.

If they’re too lax and are letting things pile up, step in and help to build momentum by offering help.

Or, if they lash out and place the blame where it doesn’t belong (onto you), then it may be time to begin distancing yourself if this person processes their stress through anger.

Of course, circumstances are important, and we all lose our cool sometimes. We all go through tragic losses or extreme circumstances where no matter how we’re acting, we need our loved ones to be there for us…

It’ll be up to you, though, to be honest about what you see in their actions, and determine how you feel about it.

2: How they prioritize their mental and physical health.

I’m going to say something that may be controversial here, but I honestly don’t think it should be.

In fact, by typing that sentence I just figured out another important point in this article, and I’ll let you know when we get to it.

Anyway, here goes:

The way someone treats themselves shows you exactly how much they value themselves.

How well does a person take care of their health? Mental, emotional, spiritual, physical…it’s all equally weighted in one’s quality of life, because if one begins to fail or falter, it can easily drag down all of the others.

Now, listen, am I saying that anyone who’s physically unhealthy, or struggles with mental illness doesn’t value themselves? Obviously not!

Many, many things in life are outside of our control, and nobody should ever be judged on or shamed for those things.

What I am talking about here is the conscious choices we all make on a daily basis about how we prioritize our health.

This is the one thing we cannot lie to ourselves about. If we slack off on our commitments, then we won’t get the results.

If we are inconsistent, we won’t get the results.

If we cheat on our programs, we won’t get the results.

There is no “faking it” when it comes to health. And, nobody else enjoys the benefits or suffers the consequences — it’s solely just…you.

Therefore, it’s a deeply personal choice that reveals one’s true value of their own physical and mental health.

We should all strive to live a full and vibrant life, to maintain our energy levels, to stay mentally sharp, emotionally connected, and physically active.

Doing so shows a level of self-love that is simply not reflected the same way if we feed crap to our body and mind, neglect routine “maintenance,” and ingest toxic substances that we know are hurting us.

If you buy a high performance vehicle, you know that you must give it the highest quality fuels and fluids for it to perform at its best. If you don’t, it’ll start to break down and lose power.

You can always go get another vehicle…but you can’t replace your body or mind if you break it down.

3: How they handle disagreements.

Years ago, I saw a meme that said “You don’t know who someone really is until you see how they argue.”

When you think about it, there’s a lot of truth to this.

Emotions can run high, and any mask that a person’s been wearing can slip right off, showing their true colors.

This could, of course, go either way.

They may (hopefully) have the ability to remain rational and focused on the issue at hand. They’ll remember that it’s not you against them, but you and them against the problem.

Or…perhaps they become completely consumed by their emotions, lash out at you with insults, become hurtful, and say things that they’d never say under regular circumstances.

Hopefully they never, ever get violent…but you’ll know it’s time to walk away immediately if they do.

Arguments reveal someone’s true character because they’re not stopping to worry about how they’re coming across nor are they manufacturing an image — they are strictly driven by their emotions, and all tact goes out the window.

4: Financial responsibility and choices.

If you want to see a reflection of a person’s true goals and choices, pay attention to how they allocate the money they earn.

I’m not talking about how much money someone makes, I’m talking about how responsible and intentional they are with it.

Someone making $50,000 a year can be in a better financial position than someone making $500,000 a year, if that person making $500,000 is spending every cent (or more) of their earnings frivolously, while the person making $50,000 is more mindful and intentional about investing.

It all comes down to the mindset a person is in. If they want to start a business, or buy a house, or buy a newer car — they’ll save 5 or 10 dollars a week if that’s all that they can swing. They’ll be mindful about their spending and keep track of where their funds are going, no matter how much or how little they have.

They can say anything they want about the “goals” that they have, but just like any other area of life — someone’s small and consistent actions will reflect their actual intentions about achieving those goals.

If you’re considering building a life with someone, or even entering into a relationship with them, it’s important to consider the financial patterns they’ve had up until this point in their life, because intertwining your lives often means intertwining your finances (at least to an extent).

The last thing you want is someone who costs you things you’ve worked hard for — whether those “things” be mental, emotional, physical, or financial.

5: The treatment they accept from other people.

This might get a bit uncomfortable, but if it does, don’t turn away from it — instead, use this as an opportunity to reflect.

When someone has a true sense of strong self-worth or self-esteem, the standards for what they accept from other people are held in accordance.

In other words: People who value themselves don’t take shit from others.

This often presents challenges for those who notice an imbalance in different areas of their life. This is almost a universal topic with my private clients, because they find themselves confident and certain at work, but settling into negative or toxic relationships in their personal lives — why is this?

Building self-worth is a process. We can have a solid and steady track record in our careers, have proven ourselves over time, and have developed a strong sense of confidence as a result.

Just because you’re a killer salesperson doesn’t mean you’re clear on what you deserve in your love life, though.

This is an entirely different set of criteria and hits much closer to home, being a deeply emotional and personal endeavor.

I thin that when we really dig down deep, if we are truly honest with ourselves, we’re able to admit that what we feel we deserve will dictate what we actually get from people.

You can’t control how other people act towards you, but you can control what you accept from them.

6: How they respond when they’re asked for help.

In the sports world, there are “fairweather fans.” These are people who only support a team when they’re winning.

All of us have met fairweather friends, or maybe even fairweather romantic partners.

They’re right by your side when things are great — but the moment you take a loss or look to them for support, they’re nowhere to be found.

Anyone can be by your side during the sunny days, but the real test of their commitment to you (in any capacity) is whether or not they’ll hold the umbrella over you during the rainy days.

7: How they talk about other people when they’re not around.

If someone gossips with you about other people, they’ll gossip with other people about you, too…

8: The depth and variety of their friendships.

A few years back I made friends with a couple through my automotive interests — which is where almost all of my personal friends come from, anyway.

They had a tendency to “friend-bomb.” That is to say, they’d immerse themselves fully into your lives. They’d show up without warning just to hang out, they’d invite you over frequently — and encourage you to stay as long as possible. They were very willing to help, and the majority of the time, seemed like genuinely good people…

As long as, of course, things were happening on their terms. The more time that went by, the more conflict seemed to arise.

I recall one day after a party at their house, a friend of mine made an observation.

“Hey — where are the photos from their wedding? Their college friends? Their family?”

We started to piece together that the pattern of this couple was to come into people’s lives hot and heavy, almost invade your space, and completely obliterate any existing boundaries you might’ve had.

Then, you’d get frustrated and annoyed…and distance yourself.

While their intentions seemed genuine at first, everyone in their lives eventually came to feel “used” for what they could bring to the table. They were trying to buy or win your friendship in order to reap in whatever benefits you could bring to their lives — and when they weren’t feeling the value, they’d turn against you.

One must wonder, when there are no consistent friends (or even some family) in a person’s life — what is the truth of their character that pushes people away, or prevents them from staying?

9: The patterns of their past relationships.

This one is particularly important if you’re considering entering into a relationship with this person, or maybe you’re already in one, and are noticing red (or green) flags.

Patterns, I believe, tell a fuller story than most people are willing to.

For example, was every single one of their exes “crazy”?

Either this person is highly unlucky, has a terrible track record with choosing the wrong types of people, or is entirely avoiding admitting that they, sometimes, were the problem.

A serial monogamist? You can be sure that they actually want a long term relationship, which is good! The question does arise about time between these relationships, though. Do they take enough time to be single and figure out what they really want? Or, do they jump from one partner to another? In which case, are they really committed to you, or the idea of you?

Of course the best way to learn who a person truly is in life and in love is to communicate with them and make your own judgments about what they’re telling you — but if their past patterns conflict with the story they tell, it’s worth diving deeper for the truth.

10: Time, time, and more time.

The reality of learning about a person (and learning about ourselves) is that the truth is only fully revealed in time. It requires consistency, patience, communication, and mutual effort.

We all go through ups and downs in life — good times and bad — challenges, struggles, and victories.

We have positive days, and negative ones.

The character or intention of a person cannot be found in a snapshot.

That is the challenge, isn’t it? As humans, we are all evolving at every moment of the day. We’re absorbing new experiences, changing our minds (and mindsets), learning new things, and becoming a further evolved version of ourselves…hopefully.

Yet, when we look at other people (or even in the mirror), all we see is the still image of who we are, frozen in that moment.

To truly learn who a person is, we must spend enough time with them to figure it out. Give them a chance to prove themselves…and they just might surprise you.

• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.