10 Things To Never Say To A Lawyer

Unless You Want A Fight On Your Hands

I’m not sure what it is about people, but they seem to think they can just “do” whatever the professionals do by talking to their sister’s cousin’s cat’s best friend or consulting Google. It’s as if all those years of specialised education and training mean nothing. Well, it does, so knock it off.

I can’t take credit for this idea. It was a story by Courtney Capone

I read yesterday that reignited this particular, but long-simmering fire in me. In her story, she writes about the infuriating way some people discount the knowledge, education, and experience of veterinary professionals because they looked some shit up on Google in all their arrogant wisdom. Here’s her story, check it out:

Well, the same thing happens to us legal eagles, and I dare say maybe even more often, and definitely with more vitriol.

People hate to pay lawyers. People hate going to lawyers. We’re portrayed as ruthless, soulless sharks devoid of any morality whatsoever. We’re not. We’re educated, trained professionals with your best interest at heart. Well, most of us. Sure, there are assholes among us, but they’re far and few between.

We go to school for 7 years. Yeah, SEVEN. We get not one, but 2 degrees, an undergraduate degree and then a law degree (a Bachelor of Laws or a Juris Doctorate depending on the jurisdiction).

Then, at least in Canada, we spend an entire year in on-the-job training for very little pay. It’s like an apprenticeship where we learn to practice our skills. Then we write a really, really big test. I mean a huge test, it takes all day, like 8 hours. It’s grueling and less than half of us pass the first go around.

By the time you get to us, we have some idea of what we’re doing, so please, don’t say these things to us:

1. You’re Paid To Do Whatever I Tell You: No, sweetie, no I’m not. I don’t care how rich you are. I don’t care how powerful you are. I’m not a puppet. Your hand isn't up my ass directing my mouth. And I’m not a paid spokesperson.

If that’s what you’re looking for, go hire an actor to recite whatever lines you want them to read. You came to me for my expertise and advice on a particular legal matter. Follow it now or follow it later. Later will cost you more.

2. Why Don’t You Know? I can’t count the number of times someone has marched into my office or called me with a strange issue and then became incensed because I couldn’t answer them definitively off the cuff.

Let me explain something to you, my saying “I don’t know” is a good thing. It shows the exact lack of arrogant self-delusion we legal types are accused of having. Nobody knows everything. And that goes double for anything in the law. Law is a very nuanced, fact-specific discipline. There are very few if any, absolutes. When I say I don’t know and need to do some research, I’m protecting you. You know, just like when your mechanic has to run a diagnostic on your poor old 1998 Corolla. Stop being a dick about it. I may not know the answer right now, but I do know where to find it.

3. Science Is So Much More Useful Than Law: Okay, perhaps the general public has never said this, but my oldest son has. He teased me mercilessly about my choice to pursue law against his choice to pursue Chemistry and how his field of study was far superior. Question: when ya’ll fuck up and kill a few hundred people with your science, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters? Nope. You’re calling your lawyers. Best recognize! I’m not even sure if people say that anymore, but it applies here.

4. But My Sister’s Daughter’s Cousin’s Dog Walker Said…: Did they now? Well, ain’t that cute as hell. Where did they get their law degree? Oh, they don’t have one. Hmmmmm.

Everyone has a story about the law. Everyone has a story about how Mary and Johnny got divorced and X or Y happened. Everyone has read something or heard something. But only I KNOW something or know where to find it out. Stop talking. Please, just stop talking now.

5. Come On It’s One Little Question: Do I come to your job and ask you to work for free? Do I approach you socially and ask you to work for free? No. No, I don’t. Why? Because I have a modicum of respect, that’s why.

When I’m out socially, I don’t want to hear about your legal troubles. I’m off the clock. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I can’t comment. My professional responsibility extends to comments made off the job. If I give you bad advice at the big wine-filled party, and it’s bad advice, I can be sued. It’s that serious.

But beyond that. I don’t bring my shitbox Dodge van to a party hoping my mechanic will be there to diagnose my engine troubles between glasses of Reisling. I don’t wait until the block party to ask Dr Jenkins about that nasty cough my little Jimmy has been dealing with.

6. What About Those Will Kits?: No, no and NO! Those kits are the bane of my existence. Why do you need a proper will? Because, if you don’t have one, at least in most Canadian jurisdictions, whatever meagre possessions you have will be divided according to legislation to your closest relatives. And in most cases, those relatives will not include a partner you live with without the benefit of legal marriage.

Yes, there are provisions for handwritten wills. They’re called holographic wills. But they apply to entirely handwritten wills only. Entirely being the key word.

Will kits live in a grey area. They’re partly typewritten, fill in the blank things and partly handwritten. Maybe nobody will fight over your shit. But in my experience, the less people have, the more stupid shit they’ll fight over.

Get a proper will! Many firms do charity drives where they charge clients a small fee, like $50 that goes to a local cause and you get a proper will.

7. You’re Too Pretty To Be A Lawyer: No, no I’m not. You really have to stop talking now. My looks have nothing to do with my intellect or my ability.

But, if I’m honest, and I always am, a judge, especially an older male one, will accept a good argument from both the pretty and the not so. And, it’s an easier sell from a pretty package. I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. So, I’ve used it. I’m aware of all my power, and I will use ALL. OF IT. So let me take my big brain, along with the pleasing package it came in and work for you.

8. Why Does It Cost So Much?: You don’t want to pay the $210 per hour I charged as a junior lawyer? I’m just starting here because, as a more senior lawyer, I charged a lot more. A. LOT. MORE. What do you pay your mechanic? Like $120 an hour? He went to school for a year and then trained for a year or two.

You pay him because he’s the only guy that can fix your car, you know that thing that can take you from A to Z. He has a level of expertise that you don’t have. He’s a professional.

You pay the plumber $80 an hour to unclog your pipes. He went to school. He did an apprenticeship. He’s a professional.

I spent 7 damn years in school. After high school. SEVEN. I have 2 degrees. I did a year of on-the-job training. I wrote a big test. I participated in moots, mock trials, did duty counsel and tried hundreds of small claims, all so I could be worthy to call myself a professional too.

I spent tens of thousands of dollars on my education. I was lucky, I had scholarships for most of it and live in Canada. Americans spend hundreds of thousands, literally HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS.

You’re paying for all the education and expertise I’ve accumulated. Just like the mechanic or the plumber, you’re paying for knowledge. I have it. You don’t.

9. They Got Off On A Technicality: Getting off on a technicality is pretty much a bullshit misnomer. Case in point, my own son was charged with possession of weed years ago, along with his ex-girlfriend. She had stolen her dad’s car, picked my son up and there was weed in the glovebox. The cop charged both kids because nobody would claim it.

It was the girl’s father’s dope, but he wasn’t about to admit that, you know, his church community would have hated it. But I wasn’t letting my son cop to it either, he had enough issues on his own.

I called a pal because, lawyer 101, don’t defend family, and my son pled not guilty. Anyway, the police didn’t analyze the suspected dope and there’s no offence called, “we think it’s dope.” He got off. Technicality?

Not really. If the prosecution can’t do their job, if they fail to meet the case, well… In this one, all they had to do was send the shit to the lab. It was weed. I know it. You know it. But they got a scared little girl, 18 with a baby, to plead out to save her father. And then they had my son. I could have saved them both if only the father wasn’t such a dick.

But that’s not the point. The point is those technicalities you bitch about are actually safeguards for all of us. In fact, they should work better than they do because they are most definitely working for MY people, for people of colour. And when they do, it’s not some Black kid getting away with something, it’s a kid that did nothing wrong and the facts bear it out.

10. You Don’t Know More About Law Than The Average Person: Ummm, yes, yes I do. This little gem comes from my ex’s former girlfriend, Lorna. Poor, sad, woman.

She hated me. There was no reason to, I didn’t want her man. I had him. Had him for 12 years. Gave him 3 children he never looked after. She bought a house with him 5 minutes from mine. Then she complained.

Once she sat in her SUV and sulked for 5 hours because my ex had the audacity to say I wasn’t stupid.

Anyway, I digress. She at one point told my son, on a discussion of a legal matter that just because I went to law school and became a lawyer, it didn’t mean I knew more about law than the average person.

Ummmmm, yeah, yeah, it does. It means EXACTLY that. I went to school for years. I trained for years. Just like the mechanic knows more about cars and the electrician knows more about wiring, I know more about law than you. It’s sort of the point.

Google is a great tool, but it’s not the answer to everything. It can point you in a direction, but it can’t give you answers. That’s the problem, it can point you in too many directions. And because you’re not trained to know what direction is right, you’ll get sent down the garden path to the Model Law of Guatemala or some law of some other place that has nothing to do with you or your life.

Knowledge is power. It always has been. But you know what else is power? Humility. Knowing what you don’t know. That’s power. And I don’t care how many friends of friends you talk to or how many websites you consult, you don’t know what I know. Stop playing like you do.

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