HUMOUR

10 Things I’ve Learned Over the Years of Being Online

and that includes Medium!

Disclaimer: The names of individuals have been changed, and certain events have been dramatised for entertainment purposes in this content.

Don’t believe everything you read online. Not everyone leads an exciting life, and sometimes people might fabricate things to make their online lives seem more interesting. Also, influencers don’t appear perfect all the time. A single great picture on Instagram might have been chosen from a hundred mediocre or even unattractive ones. TRUST NO ONE.

The Internet is a breeding ground for trolls and haters. Just like in real life, you don’t have to like everyone on social media. However, the internet has given rise to a new type of individuals known as ‘keyboard warriors’ who say such awful things online that they wouldn’t dare to say in person. People often forget that there is a real person behind the screen — a real human being that they are insulting and hurting. The impact of reading a mean comment online is akin to hearing a hurtful remark in real life. We should be mindful of this and treat one another with kindness and respect. For example, even if you hate this article, please make sure to clap 50 times and leave an enthusiastic comment like “Wow, great article, Lin! Thanks for sharing”.

Don’t send money to online strangers unless they are your favourite writer (like myself). In that case, by all means, buy them a Ko-Fi. Thank you!

Many people use a fake first name for online friendships. I am not referring to the typical pen names many writers use (even on Medium), but rather those fake names that you present as your own. I understand why writers use pen names; I am referring to networking or friendship apps / websites where the whole point of being on the app is to meet new people solely for friendships. Picture this. You meet someone online named Katie. You chat with her daily, knowing her solely as Katie, for a good two years. She even told you about how she was named after her grandmother. Then comes a day when you want to share an essay you’ve written with her, so you request for her email. Lo and behold, her email address features a full name that is definitely not Katie or Kate or anything resembling the name she goes by. Baffled, you asked her, and she laughed, saying, “Oops, yeah I like cats, so it’s like kitty cat, Katie cat, get it? It’s funny isn’t it?”. Yes, Katie Cat, that’s hilarious. Do you work for the CIA or what? What’s the point of hiding a first name? There are probably millions of people with the same first name as you. (Note: Her first name is a very common name, so don’t tell me it’s for privacy purpose. Also, I wouldn’t have a problem with it if she had told me that it was a nickname, instead of lying to me, complete with a background story of her name. And again, I’m not referring to writers with pen names, or people who change their names for various reasons. In fact, I know many lovely Medium writers who do so.)

If you slide into hot Instagram models’ DMs (direct messages) be prepared to be left on ‘seen’. They probably receive hundreds of messages daily and won’t have time for your bland, boring messages. The worst offence is sending emojis hoping for a reaction. The only time a hot girl might reach out to you online is to invite you to watch them on their OnlyFans account, or ask you to join their team if you’re a girl, so they can get a commission. Yes, Cindy, if I ever feel the need to video chat with men online while being half naked, I’ll let Jeff know it was you who sent me. (Note: Please don’t accuse me of slut-shaming. Cindy and I followed each other on Instagram until her account was deleted. I have no problems with her showing off her body; it’s just not my thing)

People will ghost you randomly, while pretending to be interested until the very end. You’d think that if someone plans to ghost you after five years of (virtual) friendship, they would at least have the decency to do the slow fade. A simple “Haha, yeah” before disappearing is fine, or even something like “Oh yes, that’s a beautiful bracelet. Is it a gift?” But if their final message looks like, “So tell me more about your brand new aquamarine bracelet. Where did you get it? What grade is it? Are the inclusions visible? Is it suitable for daily wear? Is aquamarine a type of beryl? How do you differentiate it from a green beryl? Or is that an emerald?”, I’d have spent a considerable amount of time crafting a reply when they could’ve just ignored my earlier message about my new purchase. Time is finite, Abby, and you had wasted mine. I don’t regret our friendship. I just wish you had stopped pretending to be my friend until that very last day.

A real-life friend who has ghosted you for years might suddenly add you on social media and video call you unexpectedly. You might be easygoing, but regaining closeness is very difficult when they suddenly reappear after twelve years of ghosting, especially since they only do so because of their divorce. While resuming the friendship via messages might be alright, phone and video calls feel too intimate. It should also be common sense not to call someone, especially video call, without notice. What if they’re in old, unflattering pyjamas with messy hair? So, no, Leslie, I won’t be answering that call, and I’m not interested in hearing about your recent sexcapades. Reading about them in your texts is revolting enough. Thank you very much.(Note: You won’t believe it, but I’d accidentally video-called someone while editing this piece. Well, you know who you are. Giggles.)

Someone who is obsessed with you tends to assume that any piece of writing you publish, particularly about love, is directed at them. Some may even go as far as writing and publishing a reply to your work. It can be rather cringeworthy, especially if they had previously confessed their feelings and you had rejected them. For the twentieth time, Jin, I’m not your lover from a past life, nor am I interested to be your lover in this life. So no, the poem is not about you. It really isn’t, no matter how much you read into it. And your ‘reply’ made my skin crawl.

When you are shopping online, make sure to check the displayed currency as you browse through items. A necklace that costs MYR 500 (about USD 107) is a lot of money, but one that costs USD 500 is above the minimum wage in this country. Hi Luciana, I apologise, but I need to cancel my order for the pastel-coloured Murano glass bead necklace. I didn’t realise it costs more than my salary.

There you have it — these are the things I’ve learned over the years of being active online. Did you notice that there are only 9 points? What did I tell you right from the beginning? TRUST NO ONE.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to support me, please buy me a coffee. Thank you very much! https://ko-fi.com/samtzelin