10 Things I Must Do to Overcome My Fury at Facing My Own Mortality

It hit me suddenly and I must act now.

Mortality is very different when you’re 20 to when you’re 50. Keanu Reeves

I’m 48 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!

Look at my LinkedIn profile and you’ll see a long list of career titles including pharmacist, academic, mentor, agony aunt, business coach, and medium writer (of course).

I’m all the above but I’m still striving for more. Constantly trying and learning new things. Possibly still seeking my own pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Discovering The Choice of Should or Must

Writing is something I’ve always enjoyed. This passion came through strongly as something I MUST do after reading and working through a book called The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion by elle luna.

Should is how others want us to show up in the world — how we’re supposed to think, what we ought to say, what we should or shouldn’t do. It’s the vast array of expectations that others layer upon us. When we choose Should the journey is smooth, the risk is small.

Must is who we are, what we believe, and what we do when we are alone with our truest, most authentic self.

Elle Luna

The book was recommended to me by a former PhD student during a catch-up zoom meeting. Thanks to the impact of the Covid19 pandemic my previously rewarding role in healthcare no longer resembled what I used to do. It was strange to reverse our roles as I lamented my career situation and sought her thoughts on it.

A Challenge to Implementing What I MUST Do

I had previously blogged about my life, career, and business experiences on my business website. I had also shared similar musings on social media.

Writing on medium appeared to be the ideal platform to exercise my aspiring writer’s brain and test whether this was my answer to the void I was feeling.

It was late 2021, mid-pandemic.

A few weeks later I tested positive for Covid19. It hit me hard. Long Covid set in delaying my medium writing ambitions for almost a year.

More Bad News

I recently went for a check-up with my doctor. There is no cure for Long Covid, but I needed help with some ongoing troublesome symptoms. Whilst there, my GP discovered my blood pressure was elevated.

“You never come in here without leaving with something else!” she exclaimed.

I’ve continued home monitoring, but the numbers are stubbornly high.

I’m annoyed! Super miffed! This latest diagnosis has stopped me in my tracks.

There’s no relevant family history. I’m a normal weight. I’ve never smoked. I now rarely drink alcohol as I’ve developed an intolerance to it. I take every recommended supplement and watch what I eat.

Yet I now have a condition I associate with older age and decline.

I’m Suddenly Faced With my Own Mortality, and I’m Furious!

I want to swear but it’s not something I want to see in my writing. It’s not my style.

But bloody hell!

This isn’t a death sentence by any means. I’m at increased risk of a heart attack or stroke, but my healthy lifestyle counterbalances this.

I’m not being a drama queen. Honest! I’m just not ready to deal with this omnipresent sense that I’m running out of time to achieve my goals and dreams.

Writing here about my current emotions started out as mere therapy and could easily have turned into a rant, but that won’t help me or anyone reading this.

My Plan to Positively Confront My Mortality

Here’s what I’m going to do to get myself back on track.

1. Practice Gratitude. Research has shown this can result in improved sleep, enhanced mental strength and positive feelings of wellbeing.

2. Enjoy and appreciate life. We are all going to die. An enhanced awareness of this inescapable reality can only make me appreciate and find joy in everything I encounter.

3. Acknowledge everything I’ve ever achieved. I’m hard on myself. I’ve achieved a lot in my life and career, but I don’t acknowledge it. I’m always striving for the next thing. Seeking out the next level. I need to stop and appreciate what I’ve already done.

4. Write a bucket list. I’ve threatened to do it before. Now I will get on with writing it and actioning it.

5. Purposefully introduce self-care. I keep promising to meditate more and introduce yoga to my daily routine. Health benefits have been demonstrated in some small research studies with outcomes including a drop in blood pressure. Now I have the incentive to do these things.

6. Accept. This is a revisit to my word of the year. Acceptance. I need to accept what is happening, accept help and advice, and accept that I may need to make some changes to my life, work, and routine.

7. Be practical. No getting away from this one. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I need to ensure all my affairs are in order.

8. Tap into my spirituality and faith. I grew up in a country torn apart by difference in religious beliefs. It eventually caused me to no longer attend a specific church as I didn’t want my identity to be pigeon-holed. I still hold onto a deep personal faith; it always gives me strength when I need it.

9. Stop talking and start doing! I’m not going to just talk about my long-term goals. I need a plan in place to make sure I don’t run out of time to achieve them.

10. Do more of what I MUST do. Not what society says I SHOULD do. That ultimately means I’m going to keep writing.

By recognising I need to do these 10 things, and do them now, I’m realising this is a wake-up call, and I’m listening!

An awareness of one’s mortality can lead you to wake up and live an authentic, meaningful life. Bernie Siegel

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