10 Surprising Reasons Why Narcissists Apologize
It’s not because they’re genuinely sorry.
“I’m sorry I said you were a terrible writer,” my mother said.
It’s a rare thing when my mother apologizes to me or anyone, so when she does, it feels more like a warning shot than her admitting she made a mistake.
My mother is a narcissist who manipulates people to do what she wants, has a disturbing lack of empathy, and is both intensely self-centered and comically lacking in self-awareness.
Why had she apologized? Did she think I was an excellent writer? No, she wanted me to stay and take care of her instead of going home. She felt if she apologized, it would soften my resolve, and I’d agree to become her caregiver.
Her opinion hadn’t changed, just her endgame.
Narcissists prefer a nonverbal type of apology where they take an action which repairs your positive image of them, but a reparative gesture isn’t always available as a choice.
What makes a strong apology?
For an apology to be successful, the person needs to have at least a small idea of what they did wrong, feel remorse about doing it, and have the desire to change so as not to do it again.
The narcissist would have no interest in any of those things.
1. A narcissist’s apology has nothing backing it up because it’s not real.
When you get an apology from a narcissist, it can be shocking and seem out of character. A false apology is more comfortable than admitting you were wrong and suffering the consequences.
What narcissists don’t do is take responsibility for their actions or be honest about them. They don’t say, “I can see why you’re upset. What I did was thoughtless.”
2. Narcissists are comfortable with lying.
When a narcissist apologizes, they’re not admitting they were at fault or did something wrong. Narcissists lie all the time, and an apology is just another lie they use to get back any attention or admiration they may have lost.
3. Apologies are another tool in the narcissist’s box of manipulation.
If you look closely, you’ll see the narcissist use apologies the same way they use everything else, as a way to control people.
The most important thing for a narcissist is how they appear to others, and apologizing makes them look compassionate.
4. A narcissist’s apology means nothing because it doesn’t come from the heart.
When you apologize, you seem vulnerable, able to admit you made a mistake, and kind.
Apologies are easy, especially if you’re an excellent manipulator. There’s no guarantee that behind the apology is someone remorseful or someone who cares.
5. Narcissists use apologies to return the advantage to them.
Narcissists seem to think saying they’re sorry and will get them instant forgiveness. An apology is a get-out-of-jail-free card for narcissists, and when they play it, it’s to get back their power — not give it away.
6. Narcissists know apologizing can help repair their image.
If they refuse to say they’re sorry, they’ll come off as mean, unkind, arrogant, and unpleasant. Refusal to apologize will cause the narcissist’s mask to slip a little. No one wants to be around someone who won’t apologize.
7. Narcissists use apologies to their advantage.
The narcissist’s apology is a smokescreen, so the person on the receiving end of the apology will read all kinds of positive attributes and get sucked deeper into the narcissist’s web.
8. An apology is a calculated move.
Narcissists say they’re sorry so all the negativity and tension will go away, and you can get back to worshipping them.
If you’re angry with them, you may become resistant to their charms or, even worse, be able to see through their B.S.
Remember, narcissists, need you to think well of them.
9. An unexpected apology can put a person in a receptive state.
When you’re feeling confused and out of balance, a narcissist can work you without you being aware of it.
10. Narcissists can wear you down with several apologies.
If you don’t accept the narcissist’s apology, they’ll keep on apologizing until you finally give in and take it.
A narcissist would rather keep on apologizing than change their behavior or find out what it is which would make you forgive them. Narcissists don’t want to do any extra work or do any self-examination if they can avoid it.
The takeaway is, don’t be fooled by a narcissist’s apology.
It doesn’t matter if a narcissist apologizes once or ten times — they didn’t learn their lesson, and they’re not sorry. Their only goal is to make others think they’re remorseful so they can reclaim their place as master manipulators.
If you can’t extract yourself from a relationship with a narcissist, at least be wise to their tricks, cons, and manipulations. Look past their words and decide for yourself if they mean what they say or if they’re only saying it as a way to get you back on their side.
