10 Stupid Things I Used to Believe About Sex

It’s taken me decades to unravel some of the silly myths about sex I learned as a kid

We are born sexual beings, but we certainly aren’t born knowing everything there is to know about sex. It has taken me decades to unravel some of the stupid myths I used to believe about sex. Fortunately, experience is a great teacher. Here are some of the myths I used to believe:

Myth #1: Sex is dirty; save it for someone you love.

Yes, that was actually the message I got about sex from my parents.

I don’t blame them — it isn’t easy talking about sex with your kids. Unfortunately, it gave me a conflicted idea of what role sex should have in my life.

I remember being in college and secretly going to Planned Parenthood for birth control in the hope that my parents wouldn’t find out. I guess I still felt that having sex outside of a committed relationship was bad.

I’m thrilled to see that sexual positivity is a growing movement and that my kids are growing up in a world where we are increasingly seeing sex as one of the most wonderful and enjoyable parts of life.

And when I talk to my kids about sex, my focus is on safety and consent rather than abstinence or “saving it” for marriage/commitment/someone they love.

Myth #2: There’s a right way to do it.

The first French kiss I had involved a lot of awkward tongue swirling, an abundance of saliva, and a general feeling of sloshiness (no, it’s not a word, but it should be). It left me wondering why people made such a big deal about it.

When it came to sex, I thought it was sort of like tennis or chess, that is, you could be good at it — or not. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that good sex is mostly about knowing about yourself and communicating well with your partner.

Myth #3: The sooner you have sex, the less likely a man will want to have a relationship with you.

Blame it on The Rules, the 1950s, Steve Harvey or whoever coined that phrase about cows and free milk. I don’t know the source of it, but I used to think that if I wanted a serious relationship, I’d have to wait a certain of time before having sex for the first time.

Likewise, there are a number of so-called relationship “experts” who claim that if you do wait a certain period of time, the relationship will inevitably turn into love.

I know, I know. It’s silly. But that’s what I thought.

The truth is relationships are built on compatibility, shared values, mutual goals, chemistry and any number of things. They aren’t built on waiting six dates or 90 days to have sex.

Myth #4: Men are in it to stroke their own egos.

“Did you come?”

When faced with that classic line, I used to think, “Geez, calm down. You did fine. You’re a stud. Now leave me alone.” That’s because I assumed that a man posed that question because he wanted an award for his performance. It never occurred to me that he wanted to make sure I was satisfied.

When asked what he likes best about sex, more than one man has told me the best part is being able to please his partner.

The phrase “happy wife, happy life” is a cliché for good reason: Men seem to be driven to make the women in their lives happy.

Myth #5: The hotter the bod, the better the sex.

I once dated a guy who had rock-hard abs and about 4% body fat. How was he in bed? Worst. Lover. Ever.

It wasn’t that what he was doing was so terrible (it was, but I’m sure it had worked for some woman in his past). It was that he had absolutely zero idea of how to communicate in even the most basic way about sex. He had no interest in finding out what I liked, what felt good and what didn’t.

Likewise, my boyfriend tells me of a past girlfriend who had a perfect body. “The sex was boring,” he said, “because she just lay there and didn’t react or do anything at all.” It seemed to him like she was barely participating.

Great sex comes from enthusiasm (for your partner, for sex itself) and communicating what you need, want and enjoy.

Myth #6: Once you talk about what you like, you’re good to go.

My dating life has consisted of two distinct periods — when I was in my 20s before I got married and when I was in my 40s after my divorce. The benefit of dating men in their 40s and 50s is that they know what they like, want and need in bed. And so do I.

The problem is that it’s difficult for everyone to talk about sex — how to bring up something you want to try, when to bring up something that doesn’t work for you, whether to mention that fantasy you have that’s a little embarrassing, etc.

And that’s only the big stuff. Then there are the finer points: You both like oral sex, but how exactly do you like receiving it? Where are your most sensitive spots? And if they’re sensitive, is that a good thing or bad thing? Does it mean you want to be licked or touched there or you want those areas to be avoided? Where don’t you want to be touched? How much pressure? What speed works best? Does it change throughout the month? (Many women are more sensitive right before their periods, for example.)

I think a post-game wrap-up makes for great post-coital pillow talk, as long as it isn’t technical or judgmental. I’m a fan of open-ended, non-judgmental questions, such as: What do you want more of? What was your favorite part? Which part would you be happy to skip next time? What have you been dying to try, but are too afraid to ask for? Would you tell me more about how you like to be touched here or there?

It’s always nice to hear a partner say, “I loved it when you…” or “That was fantastic when we were…”

If you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s easy to assume that you know what your partner likes. But I find it’s always best to keep the conversation going. And even if your partner liked something in the past, he/she may not like it now, or may prefer it a different way. People evolve and change all the time, and their sexual attitudes and preferences do, too.

Myth #7: Fantasies are literal.

Sexual fantasies are metaphors. I learned this from listening to Esther Perel‘s podcast, “Where Should We Begin?”

She says, “Every fantasy states the problem, the emotional thing we’re trying to resolve, and it offers a solution. It’s not just a sexual script; it’s actually a code for our deepest emotional wishes and fears.”

For example, in one episode, Perel deals with a generous, self-sacrificing man who enjoys seeing and hearing about his girlfriend having sex with other men.

You may think this is about someone who enjoys punishing himself or who just gets off on watching other people have sex or on feeling like an outsider. But Perel has a different explanation. As the session unfolds, we learn that this fantasy is a very effective way for this man to ease his fears of both dependency and over-responsibility.

He works in a helping profession and fears being overly dependent on his girlfriend. If he allows himself to bask in her love, he fears he’ll never want to leave, and therefore, can’t continue to give to other people.

The fantasy also relieves him of the responsibility of having to be the only one to take care of her. He feels too responsible in all areas of his life, and he just can’t take on any more. If another man is taking care of her sexually, he gets to be relieved of that responsibility.

I used to think that fantasies were about what the content of the fantasy is. Now I know that isn’t the case. Michael Bader’s book, Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies is wonderful for understanding fantasies.

Myth #8: Everybody wants the same thing.

One guy I dated tried to stroke the inside of my forearm gently during dinner while staring at me suggestively. At first, I didn’t really notice what he was doing except that it felt like a mosquito.

Then he leaned in and said in a low voice, “How’s that, huh?” I think he expected me to tear off my clothes right then and there.

I was puzzled, so I said, “What? My arm?”

“Yeah,” he said, staring at me intently.

“It’s actually kind of itchy,” I said.

He was shocked and disappointed. Then he said that the inner arm stroking drove his ex-wife crazy. He thought it would work on all women.

Myth #9: Porn is cheating, and when your partner watches porn, it means he/she wants what’s on the screen.

I was never into porn, so I used to think that if my partner enjoyed watching porn, it meant something was wrong — that he wasn’t interested in me sexually or that he wanted me to look and act like a porn star.

That’s possible. I’m sure some people who enjoy porn feel that way. But oftentimes that isn’t the case at all. According to sex expert Esther Perel, porn can be a good and a bad thing. The images are often highly intense, and everyone is always willing and ready — not so realistic.

The good thing about porn is that it typically results in a quick and predictable sexual response. Oftentimes, that’s all a porn fan wants: a quick release. And if it isn’t interfering with sex with his/her partner, then what’s the harm?

Of course, porn can be problematic. If it causes one to rely on a script for arousal and climax — one that can’t be duplicated in real life — it can make real life sexual encounters difficult to enjoy. Naturally, if someone is watching porn for several hours every day, not interacting with live people or having difficulty with sexual function in real life, then porn is having a negative effect.

But that doesn’t mean watching porn is cheating or that if your partner watches porn, there’s something wrong, or that he/she wants you to look and act like a porn star.

Ultimately, I think that this is one of those areas where communication is key. I found that once I approached men with an attitude of curiosity and an underlying acceptance of porn, I learned a lot.

When we first started dating, I asked my boyfriend, “What’s your favorite kind of porn?” I think he was initially shocked by the question because many people find porn difficult to talk about. But when he got over the shock, he opened up. I was able to learn a lot about what excites him, what porn means to him and — just as importantly — what it doesn’t mean to him. I think having these kinds of open discussions is what makes sex with him great.

Myth #10: People stop having sex after 50 or so.

I used to see occasional articles about people in their 40s, 50s and 60s claiming that they were having the best sex of their lives. A woman might say that menopause liberated her from the worry of getting pregnant, which allowed her to explore her sexuality more freely. Or a man in his 50s would claim how great it is to experience more intimacy through sex.

I thought they were overcompensating. I assumed that sexual response was diminished (fewer orgasms, difficulty with lubrication, erection difficulties, etc.), so they were emphasizing the emotional aspects of sex as an alternative.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

While it’s true that our bodies are always changing, it’s also true that some of those changes can lead to better sex! Like, best-sex-ever sex, as in stronger, more powerful orgasms, longer encounters (fun fact: as men get older, they’re often not as trigger-happy as they were when they were younger), more variety and more creativity.

Really.

The fact is sexual challenges can come at any age. And there are many interventions, ranging from the non-invasive (talk therapy, lube, hypnosis, weight loss) to the more drastic (medications and hormone replacement therapy) that can restore sexual function. There is no reason you can’t enjoy a healthy, active and more exciting sex life as you age.

We are, after all, sexual beings from birth until death.

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