10 Songs From the Glorious 1980s I Just Can’t Stand
They need to go away
I am a proud member of Generation X (I may have even opened with that very line in a previous article somewhere), and as such, I believe that the 1980s were one of the greatest decades ever for music. From the US release of The Clash’s London Calling in January 1980 to Tom Petty’s Full Moon Fever in 1989, the decade was awash with exceptional rock and roll in all its many forms. I wrote about ten of my favorite ‘80s albums here:
As great as that time was, you always have to take some bad with the good, and a recent prompt from Chris Zappa and Terry Barr about songs they can’t stand made me ponder my beloved decade with a more critical eye. There were the obvious stinkers from one-hit wonders (“Come on Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners leaps to mind) and the horrid synth-pop that dominated the dance clubs; that’s to be expected in any decade.
But what about the bad songs from our heroes? We tend to overlook these when grousing about how everything now is crap compared to the “good old days,” kind of like we think our kid is perfect in every way. Well, today I give you ten songs from the 80s by otherwise stellar bands, songs that I pray I never have to hear again. And for you regular readers, at least one is going to shock you.
“We Built This City” by Starship. Do a Google search of worst songs ever, and this one comes at or near the top of every list made since its release in 1985, and somehow they still play the damn thing 15 times a day today. What is truly tragic about this musical abomination is that for millions of kids it is their only exposure to the band that began life as Jefferson Airplane in the 1960s and produced such classics as “White Rabbit,” “Somebody to Love,” and “Volunteers.” It’s a dam shame.
“Ebony and Ivory” by Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney. It’s sweet, it’s sappy, it’s everything that a song by two of the greatest artists to ever enter a studio should not be. Just writing down the title has the damn thing playing in my head, which could easily turn this article into a rant.
“Jump” by Van Halen. Having one of the greatest guitarists of all time playing synthy keyboard parts is like handing Babe Ruth a golf club when he walks up to the plate. Yeah, the song is an earworm, but in the worst possible way. Every time this song comes on, run to your turntable and play the Women and Children First album until your ears bleed to banish it (it works; see the proof below).
“Dancing in the Street” by David Bowie and Mick Jagger. The original was a perfectly acceptable Motown hit for Martha and the Vandellas in the 1960s; the remake by Ziggy Stardust and the frontman for the freaking Rolling Stones falls far short of even acceptable. The video of the song that was broadcast to about a billion people during Live Aid in 1985 was simply an embarrassment.
“Kokomo” by The Beach Boys. The fact that this travesty from the soundtrack of the film Cocktail is still played today makes me weep for the future of America. That it was recorded by the kings of surf rock makes me want to burn my surfboard.
“We Are the World” by USA for Africa. I realize that this was a “supergroup” effort thrown together at the last minute because Americans felt left out by the success of “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by our British cousins in Band Aid, but is this really the best we could do? “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” is a classic; “We Are They World” is a musical cautionary tale, even with Springsteen belting out his part with his usual gusto. And speaking of Bruce…
“Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. You know how much I worship and adore Springsteen, but facts are facts. It’s a bad song, a worse video, and could have easily been replaced on the Born in the USA album by “Stand on It,” “Pink Cadillac,” or “Janey Don’t You Lose Heart,” all of which were B-sides for singles from the album. That this song reached #5 on the Billboard charts while “Born to Run” peaked at #23 makes me question the existence of an all-knowing, all-powerful God.
“Make It Better (Forget About Me)” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I can’t hammer my heroes and not include this “what the hell was he thinking?” moment from Tom Petty on the otherwise excellent Southern Accents album. A misguided attempt at soul music with more horns than the Heartbreakers had used in the previous ten years combined, this one was made infinitely worse by a ridiculous concept video that played nonstop on MTV back when they still played videos.
“Owner of a Lonely Heart” by Yes. A lot of people like Yes, so this gets included as a horrid song by an otherwise good band. I don’t like Yes personally, never have, and hated this song from the opening chords. If you’ve never heard it, consider yourself lucky.
“Maneater” by Hall & Oates. Released during what was considered their heyday, this song may be as bad as “We Built This City.” In all honesty, I could have picked any of their ‘80s hits, a sad commentary on a duo that was so damn good in the 1970s.
My relief at writing this tenth song is greater than you can imagine. Having these songs in my head as I compiled this list was the most masochistic thing I’ve done since I voluntarily agreed to watch Twilight with my daughter. Now I have to run to the Cathedral and confess my sin of speaking ill of Bruce, no matter how much the song deserves it.
What are your least favorite songs by great bands (from the ‘80 or otherwise)? I know you have at least a few Rob Janicke, Keith R. Higgons, Kevin Alexander, Eric Pierce, Jessica Lee McMillan, David Acaster, Rui Alves, Noah Levy, and Alex Markham.
