SATIRE (MAKING STUFF UP TO FEEL BETTER)

10 Signs You’re a Titanium Card Carrying Medium Member

And there’s nowhere left to go but down

Yes, it’s another meta article. No, I can’t quit the habit.

If you feel like you wasted 30 seconds, drop a link in the comments. Deal?

One.

You’re exhausted and behave erratically.

Every night you promise yourself that things will be different tomorrow. You’ll use your time well, not get tangled in drama, and write better stories.

But as it turns out, you can’t even be bothered to write an introduction.

Two.

You sweat the little stuff.

Why did this story make $2.99? Could you bribe someone to read it?

OMG, they left without clapping! Must be a mistake. How hopeless would I appear if I pointed it out to them? Surely, they’ll empathize with my crisis.

Three.

You start conversations with people in other writers’ comments sections.

As if just clapping wasn’t enough, and you hadn’t already exchanged sixteen comments in the last 48 hours, you press on and send a funny one-liner.

Sometimes you don’t stop at one. It’s not like you have a life.

Four.

You have enemies. Plural.

It started with a faint ache in your brain and grew into ardent dislike. There are writers you’ve stopped engaging with for some very tenable reasons.

Seeing their name in your feed makes you want to throw digital rocks.

Five.

You also have Frenemies.

Unlike the previous category, this one includes writers you like to trade insults with. But from a place of love. And it makes you a better humorist.

But beware, everything you write can and will be used against you.

Six.

You’ve blocked someone.

It’s not an easy decision to make. A voice inside your head asks you to be strong and clap back at the troll. Make it a response worth remembering.

Then you decide it’s not worth it. Life’s too short and all that.

Seven.

You’ve tied your Amour propre to the green bars.

Math class used to be for daydreaming with periodic glances at the clock. But now you have sworn to decode the most mysterious type of data sets.

Grudgingly, you rank your stories in descending order.

Eight.

You’ve considered an AI assistant.

Sometimes you have ideas that don’t materialize. Half a story’s worth of potential refusing to remain in the drafts folder. Or you’re too tired to type.

Wouldn’t it be nice to outsource some of your work?

Nine.

Someone you know IRL has found you on Medium.

You thought they would be positively aghast after reading your stories because this isn’t the ‘you’ they know. Instead, they left insipid comments.

We need Facebook-style friend requests. Choose your followers wisely.

Ten.

You’ve stopped skimming regurgitated articles by self-proclaimed experts.

Whether it was the follower count that looked like a lottery ticket, or their promises to take you under their wing, you fell for their veiled sales tactic.

Now you only follow writers whose work you truly enjoy.

If you have scored a seven or above on this checklist, kindly allow me to express my deepest sympathies. Alternatively, we could start a cool club.

There’s no conclusion either. Go read something better.