10 Sexual Messages I Received on Dating Apps — and My Replies
You have got to love online dating!
Many people give online dating a try, especially if we’re talking about the younger generations. In 2019, there were 30.4 million people in the United States who were utilizing online applications, according to Statista. It works for some individuals, while others find it frustrating — the experience varies greatly. But one thing is abundantly clear: it gets quite dirty sometimes.
I’m not talking about the “pleasant” dirty when you are planning an adventurous date with your partner. It’s about the inappropriate kind of messages some users receive through those apps. According to Pew Research, 57% of women and 26% of men report receiving inappropriate content via dating applications. Those numbers sound disturbing, but I have to admit: it brings me a little bit of comfort knowing I’m not an outlier, and many other people have similar experiences.
So, without further ado, I present to you ten sexual messages I received through a dating app! Of course, I couldn’t help but include my responses to them. Some of them I actually messaged back, while others were on the tip of my tongue as I blocked those guys.
1. “Do you want to play with my anaconda?”. Certainly, that is the reason I created an account here. The most disturbing part about this was I received it as a response to my question about his niece, whom the guy had on one of his pictures. I ask you about your baby niece, and you reply with such an offer? Cool.
2. “I guess some guys see you only as a casual girlfriend to have sex with.” Well, I may have replied to such a statement, but I don’t respond to sociopaths, whose mothers didn’t love them enough, so they grew up hating women and trying to humiliate them. I have never had a casual relationship, so a message like that can only provoke a laugh and compassion towards the poor guy.
3. “Can I eat your p*ssy?”. I responded with: “My cat says it’s a bad idea.” I don’t have a cat, but I got jokes. Sadly, the fellow didn’t seem to have a sense of humour, as he replied: “Why?”. You’ve got sexual offers, but you don’t understand jokes? No, not interested.
4. “I have a very high sex drive. But I don’t want you to just take care of it; I want to have a connection.” Oh, thank you very much for such honour of letting me know I made the cut as a connection contestant. It’s incredibly inspiring to hear that I’m not only good enough for taking care of your sex drive, but deserved your consideration for a romantic connection! And here I was, looking to tame someone’s horniness. The saddest part? This fellow was genuinely confused and upset when I politely told him we’re looking for different things.
5. “Do you want to see my d*ck?” — sure, this is precisely why I’m on this app! Google doesn’t offer me enough juicy pictures, which is why I hopped on the online-app-penis-photos-gravy-train. Send me as many images as you’d like, as long as you’re not offering them after I asked you about your niece.
6. “I’m moving to another city in two months, but we can be sex friends” — of course, why not? This is what every person wants: become someone’s “sex friend” for two months, as they are moving away. Share your social calendar with me, so I can help you pack and move the boxes. And if I’m lucky enough, you will graciously sleep with me as I am packing away your fine china.
7. “How would you feel about putting a dog collar on me?” — why, doesn’t it look better on your dog? Also, if you are into BDSM, couldn’t you afford an actual collar? Why a dog one? Anyway, my rate is $200 per hour — no touching, and you have to bring your own collars.
8. “I can’t wait to be a father. Can I breed you?” — sure, let me give you the contact info of the dog collar guy from before. You can be friends, and you can breed him instead.
9. “I’ve been so horny for so long.” Great to know! How is this relevant to my question about your hobbies? Don’t you have any? Also, what do I need to do with this information now? Oh, right, it’s my cue to demand your address and hop into an Uber to ensure I take care of your high sex drive today. And if I do a good job, you may tell me you’re also looking for a connection.
10. “Are you into anal?”. Of course! We have also established that I’m into anacondas, dog collars and breeding. I shall organize a group date for all four of you — I bet you will have a great time. None of you needs a girlfriend, nor will you probably have one for a prolonged period of time. But hey! You can always get a dog. Actually, scratch that… No one — I repeat: no one! — should be giving you an animal. I can only imagine the consequences.