10 Reasons I Will Never Get Married

My problem with marriage

Bill Gates and his wife Melinda recently announced that they are getting a divorce. Even though they will continue to work together on their Humanitarian endeavours, they shared that they no longer feel like they can keep growing together as a couple.

When I saw this news, I was astounded. Why would they be divorcing after 27 years? Bill Gates is 65. Isn’t that the time and age where many couples begin to reminisce on a shared life and on memories created?

I was also not very shocked, to be honest. That’s because I feel nothing about marriage in general. I find it to be an outdated institution that has no place in our current society.

Let me explain.

Till death do us part

I can’t wrap my head around why a person would make a vow to another person and in front of others that they will never leave them until the day they die. The other person also expects them to be there for them even when they themselves would not be worthy of it. That’s kinda toxic don’t you think?

Till death do us part implies that even when a person gets violent, even when they are toxic and abusive, even when they drain the life out of you and drive you crazy you will have to stick around.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the concept of loving people at all times and being there for them even when they are not the best versions of themselves, but tying yourself and your life to someone at the expense of your own life and happiness is being unfair to yourself.

People form bonds with others because they benefit from them somehow. If you would form a lifetime bond with someone who drains you on the constant and you couldn’t leave them because of a vow you made sometime back, then that is the perfect definition of shooting yourself in the foot in my opinion.

I would never make a vow to be with someone till death. Especially when being with that person would not be good for my general well being. Lies are bad. And I see no point in making promises I would not be ready to keep.

The conflict

Ok, couples do vow to not part until death. They also sign marriage certificates under the laws of their lands that help seal this vow. The irony is, the same law that helps them seal their we-stick-together-forever vow is the same one that makes provisions for their divorce.

I find that very conflicting.

What’s the point of making promises that have a but? Isn’t that being insincere, to begin with?

Patriarchy

Marriage was built on patriarchy. In many societies, a woman would leave her family to go join a man’s family. She would lose her name and adopt the name of her husband's family. All the children she would bear would carry this man’s name.

Her role was to serve her man and meets his needs. In most cases, she was to be seen and not to be heard. The man-made most of the decisions, including decisions about her life. The woman belonged to the man. She could not own property and in many instances, she was property herself.

Many societies also provided for a man to marry as many wives as he wanted at the expense of women.

Even though major changes have taken place that have elevated the status of women at the household level and in society, a lot of the patriarchal elements of marriage remain today.

Phrases like ‘who wears the pants’ are still thrown around. Religious organisations still teach women to submit to their men. That sounds like something that was orchestrated by a man or a group of them, to begin with.

The idea of me coming second to someone simply because I am in a long-term relationship with them leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth.

Conjugal rights

On the subject of patriarchy, I find the concept of conjugal rights to be very problematic.

How can you be so entitled to somebody else’s body that you feel you have the right to derive pleasure from it anytime you feel like it? How is there even a law in existence that is meant to enforce this?

I find this concept very disturbing. Toxic even.

Loving someone and them loving you back should not be a guarantee that they owe you their body, and someone choosing to be your life companion should not entitle you to derive pleasure from it.

I’d hate it if someone would feel entitled to me giving them sex, especially when I wasn’t in the mood. I’d hate it if someone would blame their sexual frustrations on me, and I’d hate it more if they felt it was my sole responsibility to satisfy them sexually. I’d be livid if I’d sign a contract under a law that gave a person the inherent right of receiving sexual pleasure and gratification from me.

That would control my body, and I will have none of that.

Men have a higher libido than women. I suspect that the concept of conjugal rights was brought forward to protect the interests of men more than those of women. Some men have lower sex drives than women, I’ll admit. And some women have taken cases to court of their husbands denying them sex and have benefited from rulings on denial of their conjugal rights, but I still find the concept to be problematic.

Couples get together for other reasons to enjoy sexual pleasure, but this should be at will and should make no one feel as though they are being coerced into it. Some people even find marital rape to be a non-existent concept because to them, a person has the inherent right to have sex with their spouse. This has made many people hide behind getting their conjugal rights to hurt their spouses.

Extended family

Oh no. When I am in a relationship with a man or woman, I am in a relationship with them only. Not their brother, sister, cousin, father, or mother.

It’s hard enough to meet a person’s expectations and to compromise your needs, wants, and happiness for mutual benefit. Meeting those of their relatives also and trying to make them happy could be extremely draining, I feel.

The concept of marriage is centred around families coming together. And I understand the benefits that are derived from healthy, strong, and supportive communities. There’s more of you that can come together and rally behind a cause. There is more of you to support each other. There is strength in numbers.

What puts me off marriage must embrace new people into your life simply because they are your partner's relatives and not because you resonate with each other or because you impact each other's lives positively.

I understand that a potential partner had a family before they met me and these relationships don’t cease to exist after we commit to each other, but I’d prefer if proper boundaries were set and that the relationships did not influence or interfere with the relationship I have with them.

If I’d get married to a man or woman, I’d be married to him and him only. Not their mother or father or their entire clan. And because marriage is focused on the extended family, I feel it is not something for me.

Expensive weddings

I have experienced scenarios where couples go through heights and depths to give themselves the most beautiful wedding day. I understand the need to give yourself the best, but not at the expense of your future.

A wedding is just one day. Marriage is for longer. Many couples go through their savings and even result in getting into enormous debt just so that they can finance an over-the-top wedding. Some even fundraise for this.

I have read stories about couples breaking up a few months or just a few years after their large wedding because they were overwhelmed with dealing with the huge bills they racked and debts they accrued to fund their dream wedding.

It’s within the rights of a couple to have the wedding of their dreams. If they can comfortably afford an expensive one, then that’s fine. But the focus and investment should be on the marriage itself and a healthy and fruitful partnership, and not on one day that comes and goes.

Weddings are also super stressful to plan and execute. And that’s one stress I am at liberty to avoid.

Dowry

I come from a culture that involves goats, cows, sheep, money, and other gifts being exchanged when I get married. And I am having none of that.

I find it completely insulting that some people who consider themselves wise can sit down and decide what I am worth momentarily and demand that from the person that would marry me. To be honest, I’d rather die than allow that to happen.

I even get a few hints from relatives that I make sure to find a rich man so that he can afford to give them money and gifts. The audacity! It’s super annoying!

The concept of dowry is archaic and has lost its place in modern society. Also, because of social ramifications and greed from parents, dowry prices have risen to exorbitant levels. And parents are allowing themselves to be overtaken by this greed when negotiating dowry and bride prices. An aspect of culture has been turned into a sick get-rich-quick-fix all-my-money- troubles- scheme. It's appalling!

Paying exorbitant dowry and bride prices leaves a newlywed couple worse off financially. Some even have to get into debt to meet the financial demands of parents and their in-laws, which is a major cause of stress for them.

I am having none of that!

Clout

Let’s be honest. We all do envy cute couples, particularly those that post their ‘perfect’ lives on social media. They seem to have it all. Happiness, chemistry, money, love, harmony, bliss, and magic.

We also live in a society that constantly socialises us to aspire to get married. Our first books and movies are fairy tales where a prince and princess live happily ever after.

There is a lot of clout in being married. Marriage is still a rite of passage in many societies and is still considered a major life achievement.

I find this to be problematic because not everyone is built for marriage. Many people will succumb to societal pressure and get married, even if it does not bring out the best version of themselves. Many will stick around abusive and toxic marriages because they fear the harsh judgment they will receive from society because of their failed marriage. Those that cannot find spouses will consider themselves to be failures for not being successful at it. Those whose marriages break down are not spared from judgment, stigma, and the pain of leaving and starting afresh without their spouse.

Such instances could leave some people to get married and to remain married simply for the sake of it. Just to be in the institution and not because it's the best thing for them. This reduces the true meaning of marriage.

Loss of individual self

I am a person who’s really in touch with myself. I know who I am and what I want, and I wouldn’t change to accommodate someone else or to be more digestible for anyone.

In marriage, there is a lot of compromising to do. Bend over backward more times than not to live harmoniously with someone else. Marriage makes you make several adjustments that can allow a person to enter your life.

I see many couples losing their individual identities in marriage and even when they talk, “I” gets replaced with “we”. I wouldn’t want someone to speak for me, and I wouldn’t want to be in a position where I spoke for someone. I’d also never change my name or include another person’s name in mine. I would hate it if my identity would be tied to someone else’s. For these reasons, I would never consider getting married.

Failure

Statistically, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. I read an analogy that posited that nobody would board a plane that had a 50 percent chance of safely arriving at its destination.

I am not being pessimistic and dooming any marriage that I would get into be a failure. I just feel that statistics can tell us that in our times, marriage — at least in its traditional form is probably not the best way to share a life with someone. There could be other arrangements such as domestic partnerships or cohabitation agreements that could be better suited.

Because marriages fail so much and because I know I wouldn’t have the patience to stick around and attempt to fix one that was no longer giving me joy, marriage is a pass for me.

I feel you can be in a fruitful and fulfilling relationship without being married to someone.

What about marriage do you love? What about it, don’t you love? Please share.