10 Normal Relationship Habits That Are Toxic
From our culture to our own upbringing, there are many habits in relationships that are unnecessary and cause more harm.
For decades now, our schools are under preparing us for the ways of the world. They don’t tell us how to do our taxes. Those in the US will get a mixed experience in sexual education. They don’t prepare us on how to be financially stable. And they don’t help us much in not being a jerk or manage our emotions at all.
For many of us, we’re left with trial and error on many of these issues and clearly, we’re not that great at them. This is especially in the case of relationships.
Many of us know that a lot of marriages typically end in divorce (almost 50% in the US) and that fact is used to foist whatever love or relationship advice we see. And while the self-help sphere has tried to help in this endeavour, it often results in bad advice or pushing more of this toxic culture. A culture that has been carefully crafted in films and video games.
Some prime examples of those are The Notebook or Yakuza/Judgement games where they showcase a glimpse into their idol culture through some submissions.
Self-help has been pretty blind to the root problem of what forms toxic relationships. It’s to the point that what we consider as normal or romantic isn’t helpful at all in the relationship.
Keeping Score On Who Is Doing What
In a relationship, it’s obvious that everything is a team effort and we see some of that in the form of delegation. Either the rule is spoken out (one does the dishes and the other takes out the trash) or it’s unspoken (dishes in the sink or trash all tied up at the front).
The problem with this is it often results in people keeping score of what the other is doing. It turns into a source for arguments as both fight over who screwed up the most over the course of a month or a year. The “winner” would therefore be indebted to the person who has been doing all the work.
Another angle is just looking at past slights and dredging them up. Bad behaviour from years ago being brought up in the present for example.
All in all, people are working to be less wrong about their behaviour rather than addressing the issue and working to be more right for one another. When you accept and choose to be with your significant other, you also have to accept all of their previous actions and behaviours in the process.
Not accepting those things means not accepting your partner. When something bothers you, you address it then and there.
Being Coy Or Subtle About Problems
Or passive-aggressiveness. It’s never good and it’s often frustrating in so many situations. I personally prefer people to tell me if I made a mistake and why it’s a mistake in the first place. My goal is to grow after all and it’s very hard to do that if someone is just dropping hints.
To me, dropping hints is really just a lack of communication and fear of bringing up the topic. I understand that not all topics and conversations are great, but that’s part of life. It’s part of the process.
Overcoming relationship hurdles is very difficult to do. If we on an individual level are these really complex beings, getting two in a room, working with one another, and conveying positive emotions is pretty darn hard.
The reason we offer advice is that we want to help. It’s a clear sign that we’re there to support the other person through whatever it is they’re going through. So talking it out and not shying away from that stuff helps a lot.
Expecting Your Partner To Keep You Emotionally Stable
Our emotions change a lot over the course of the day. Some days are good and some are bad. But depending on how the day goes, we may be leaning more on our partner than ever before.
While relationships are all about teamwork, there is some individuality involved in all this. Because you had a bad day doesn’t mean they are suddenly responsible for cheering you up every single time or vice versa. Our emotional state should be something that is our responsibility to regulate — one of the solid pieces of relationship advice to making a relationship better all around.
The reason it’s so bad is that it can result in asking for permission for all kinds of things. It might start off with some bigger activities or habits — like seeing friends, going to the gym, or taking a solo vacation. But it can devolve into the most simplistic of things like reading a book, watching TV or playing some video games.
It creates a controlling scenario where one person is expected to be around all the time out of sheer worry that the other is in a bad mood and needs a pick me up. All the while that worry is depriving them of their own needs and independency.
In the end, lines need to be made as being supportive doesn’t mean you’re obligated. Any sacrifice that you or your partner makes should be viewed as expected.
Using The Relationship For Blackmail
A common exchange can often be looking at a behaviour and using that as a reason to end a relationship. Typically it’s a massive and obvious flaw like being ignored for whatever reason, being cold, not being supportive enough, or other mild irritations.
In those exchanges, these flaws are reasons to coerce someone into improving whatever is bothering them or creates a lot of unnecessary drama. It can result in these small tendencies as a threat to the commitment that was made in the relationship.
It’s terrible because as mentioned above, a relationship is about accepting both the good and the bad of people. Not only that, but people are very difficult to change as well. Instead of seeing these issues as commitment issues, couples should be able to talk about these problems in a non-confrontational manner and talk it out. There shouldn’t be a threat on the future of the relationship involved in these conversations.
Tolerating Relationship Defender Types
We all understand that most relationships are a monogamous union, but there are people that take this to the level of insanity and posessiveness. These are what I call relationship defenders. A sort of jealousy that the other person might see as charming and endearing.
This has been normalized for years and we see it in films where a strong male character will beat the snot out of another guy who is into “their girl”. A sort of Romeo and Juliet kind of situation.
Not only will they defend in that way, but they make a point of being involved in as many aspects of a person’s life as they can. They will show up randomly when you’re going about your day. They’ll swing by your work place. They’ll skim through your text messages or email when you’re not around. They might even put hidden cameras in the bedroom.
They do all this recon work to ensure that you’re being good. That you’re not cheating on them or saying unsavoury things about them or anything bad.
It’s played off as reassurance, but the behaviour is deeply rooted in the fact that they can’t trust you at all with these things. It sets the groundwork for being controlling or manipulative. It also just creates more drama that isn’t needed at all. If the person you love is doing this then it’s clear they think you’re a liar and/or can’t keep impulses or emotions in check.
Regardless of what they think, it’s really someone that you don’t want to be around at all. Instead, it’s better to work towards being as trusting as you can be. Yes, there is some jealousy involved and that’s natural. But it shouldn’t prompt you to controlling the other person’s life and what they do in their spare time or during their day.
Excusing Bad Behaviour
By extension of jealousy, this also applies to any kind of bad emotional behaviour that the other does. Allowing it to persist by brushing it off is a recipe for disaster since it’s encouraging the person to do more of it. Or that it’s natural.
For sure, bad behaviour and negative emotions are all natural things. However, they get resolved. And how you resolve them matters a lot:
- If you’re excusing the fact that your partner is angry all the time, it can lead to being abused.
- If you excuse them for being endearing when they’re jealous, you’ll find yourself being controlled and warry of everything that you do.
- If you excuse them for being depressed or sad, you might find them dead.
Negative emotions affect us all in different ways and excusing them on someone’s behalf or doing it yourself often ends up hurting you long term. In relationships it hurts both.
When there is an issue with emotions you come up with a solution. If that solution doesn’t work, you change it. Overall, having a real and honest conversation is really what matters here.
Forgetting Important Dates And Offering Favours For It
Your first date, the day you became a couple, each other’s birthdays, wedding anniversary. These are important dates to remember and we’ve become a society where forgetting that is a deadly sin of some kind.
The problem is that people forget at times. It doesn’t always mean that the date isn’t important to them, but when you get lost in the daily grind, or you have a particular stance on birthdays, your attitude towards it changes. Context matters a lot.
But beyond just forgetting about those dates, those who do forget about it make it up by getting some expensive gift or just something to make the other happy.
While a gift is nice, it’s only a periodic happiness. What should happen is a vow to remember for next year.
Pay-To-Win The Relationship
If there is one thing that we can learn about relationships with Elon Musk is that money isn’t everything in a relationship. You can’t just buy your way into someone’s heart. At least if you’re looking for an actual serious relationship.
Instead of expensive cars, flashy gifts, wild vacations, or getting married to solve your relationship problems, you want to be addressing the root issues.
It goes back to what I said above where gifts or these sudden bursts of positivity are used to smother the bad. It doesn’t end well and it incentives the wrong things.
It incentives the person getting gifted to find more reasons to get upset. It also disincentives the gifter to find any real solutions to these problems. Instead of bribing or paying your way out of a problem communicate and better yet negotiate.
Was trust the issue? Talk about what’s needed to rebuild it.
Was it an emotional issue? Talk about what one another will do to keep the emotions stable and supported.
Not feeling appreciated or ignored? Talk about what are some ways to restore what was lost.
Getting gifts on occasion isn’t a bad thing, but it shouldn’t be the default solution to problems. Consider it as a means of reaffirming the commitment or showing a sign of regret or solidarity. Money can’t buy relationship stability as we’ve seen many times over from “emotional intelligence mastermind” Elon Musk.
Playing The Comparing Game
Comparison is something we do all the time. Many of us get into the self-improvement industry because we want to be better people. However people lead them down into a rabbit hole where they convince their audience they’re the best or that someone else — like Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, or Oprah Winfrey — is the best and they should be like them.
In relationships, it can be more sinister and can often go unnoticed. It can be how other people are satisfying a particular need while they can’t or might not be as effective or it’s just a comparison like above.
Regardless, comparison is a sign that you're unsatisfied with something and basing it off this is more belittling someone rather than a tool to improve someone. It can create friction and a source of jealousy and contempt.
If something isn’t being met, then it’s important to talk about it rather than to compare them to a previous partner, friends, other couples, or whoever. It goes back to accepting and trusting them.
Talking Way Too Much
A contradictory heading — especially since communication is the resolution to most of these habits — but too much of a good thing can still end up bad.
The line between healthy communication and possessive is very thin and it’s easy for people to get carried away with it. Early in the relationship, it makes sense that you want to be sharing everything with one another.
The problem arrives at a certain point where talking to one another becomes a chore or it develops into obsessive behaviours. One person wants to know every little detail about their day or where they plan to go and do and see.
It’s understandable that you want to be spending as much time as you can with your significant other, but when it becomes an obligation or a chore, it creates a lot of contempt.
Ironically, the solution to this is putting personal boundaries into place through communication.
From self-help articles to self-proclaimed relationship gurus and chick flick films, a lot of misinformation about relationships and what’s normal has been scattered over the internet. Many people take it as truth when these small things can undermine a relationship over multiple years.
What can help is addressing these issues and just talking through them. Sure we’re all complex beings but we’re able to make it work out in the end.
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