10 (More) Incredibly Valuable Dating Lessons I Wish I Knew 10 Years Ago
Learn from my mistakes.
Recently, I published an article on the most important dating lessons I've learned over the last decade that would've saved me a lot of time and stress.
Well, I was just getting started.
Because there are a lot more lessons that I learned.
(I just didn't want to write an article that was too freaking long, ha!)
So here are 10 more super valuable lessons I've learned that hopefully can help you improve your dating life, help you navigate all the emotions, and increase your overall results.
Good luck.
1. Look For “Competency Triggers”
This term comes from Ramit Sethi.
Basically, people who “have their sh*t together” do certain things or say certain things that demonstrate their competency.
For example, if someone agrees to a date, but then struggles to plan a day or time because they don’t know their schedule, they can’t decide, they’re wishy-washy, etc., that is the opposite of a competency trigger.
Over the years, I’ve learned to look for competency triggers. It might sound small, but the most accurate saying I’ve ever heard is:
“How you do one thing is how you do everything.”
To me, knowing how to move forward is a huge competency trigger. Yet every time I overlooked that, I ended up regretting it.
Haphazard people are haphazard. It will show. Last-minute cancellations, rescheduling, “I’m not sure,” “maybe’s,” and more.
There are other competency triggers that you can look for as well. The language that they use, how they talk about their friends and family, etc.
2. If Everyone’s The “Same,” Look At Yourself
If everyone you date has the same personality traits, well, the problem is probably you.
“Every girl is this. Every guy is that. Etc.”
You have to ask why you’re attracting that kind of person.
For example, if you think that every person is a jerk, I assure you there are a lot of people who are not jerks. You have to ask why you’re attracting the jerks and ignoring the good people.
If you think every person is a flake, I assure you, there are a lot of people who are not flakes. You have to ask while you’re attracting the flakes.
Maybe you’re pushing out flaky vibes.
Maybe you’re the jerk.
It’s hard to hear, but like most things, the truth isn’t always pleasant.
But it’ll help you more than just blaming everyone else.
3. Dating Is Not Mutually Exclusive
Not long ago, I saw an article from someone in their late 20s/early 30s who said they wanted to focus on their career so they would stop dating for a year (or longer).
But… why?
You can do both.
Dating is not “mutually exclusive.” What that means is, if you want to date, it doesn’t mean that you have to stop everything else in life.
Let’s not forget: Dating is good for you. It teaches you a lot of life skills. It forces you to interact with new people and go outside your comfort zone. You also learn a lot about yourself and what you want from a partner.
Don’t those skills translate to other parts of your life?
Also, having sex is healthy as well. (And enjoyable.) Assuming you have a healthy sex drive, there’s really no reason to abstain from any and all dating.
The hard truth is these types of comments are usually “sour grapes.”
For example, 9 out of 10 times, when someone says, “I’m not going to date; I’m just going to focus on my career,” the truth is they’re struggling with dating — but instead of confronting the problem, they just take a break and hope that fixes everything.
I know people who didn’t date for very long stretches of their youth. Yet nothing good came from it—it was just dreadfully wasteful. Years passed and their options got slimmer
Now, if you want to take a break to get counseling or therapy, that’s different. In that case, yes, it’s best to stop and focus on yourself.
But if you’re just taking a break because you’re “growing your business”, then I would suggest you take a deeper look.
4. Be More Specific
Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here? The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to. Alice: I don’t much care where. The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
— Lewis Carroll, “Alice in Wonderland”
Question: What are you looking for in your dating life?
There’s no wrong answer.
But do you have an answer?
Many would respond: “Hmm, I dunno…”
Again, there’s no wrong answer. But if you don’t know and you end up with a lot of mediocre dates, can you really be mad?
I would encourage people to be more specific with what they’re looking for from their dating life.
If you just want something casual, that’s fine.
But be specific about it.
If you want something serious, that’s fine.
But be specific about it.
Also, be more specific about the partner you’re looking for. As I mentioned in the previous article, don’t look for stupid trivialities. Look deeper. What are their values? What are their goals?
Many people avoid being specific because they feel it’s “too rigid.” But this exercise isn’t to pigeonhole yourself forever. (After all, you can change your mind as you go along.)
The purpose of this exercise is to give you direction. That way, you have something you can look for and filter for.
(Otherwise, you’ll end up like Alice in the quote above.)
Finally, be clear about your expectations.
If a friend invites you to stay with them but you’re not sure where you stand—or if this is supposed to be romantic—clarify! Be clear.
If they mislead you, that’s one thing. But if you just never clarified, that’s your responsibility.
5. Only Demand From Others What You Demand From Yourself
I've written about this many times before.
Whatever you demand from a partner, you need to demand from yourself.
If you want a partner who’s fit and athletic, you need to be fit and athletic.
If you want a partner who’s smart, you need to be smart.
If you want a partner who’s driven, you need to be driven.
Only demand from others what you demand from yourself.
6. Get Advice From Your Target Market
I remember seeing a viral Reddit post from an Asian-American guy who complained about his online dating results. He said he asked his female friends for advice and they all said that his dating profile was great — so I had to see for myself.
His profile, to be blunt, was awful.
This brings up a very important lesson: If you’re going to get feedback, ask your “target market” — the specific people you are desiring.
Don’t ask your friends because they’ll lie to you. Not out of malice, but they don't want to hurt your feelings or they know you too well to be able to give accurate advice.
Also, be careful about how you ask for advice. It would be more useful if you gave them several options and had them choose which one they liked the most.
Then, fine-tune.
7. Being Single Isn’t “Failure”
Too many people fall into the trap of thinking that our relationship is “success” and that being single is “failure.”
But that’s a recipe for being miserable.
First, with that mindset, every interaction that doesn't lead you closer toward a relationship will only make you discouraged and disheartened. You’ll just beat yourself up unnecessarily.
After all, meeting the right person is not entirely in your control.
Second, if you do have a relationship, you won’t want to lose it and end up as a "failure" again. So that mindset will make you cling to a relationship, even if it's not working.
If you can't be happy single, you can't be happy in a relationship.
Ultimately, success should be about learning and enjoying yourself. It should be about treating people the right way. It should be about stepping out of your comfort zone and taking chances.
All of that is in your control.
8. A Relationship Can’t Be Your Only Goal
A relationship is great, but I would avoid making that your only life goal.
That’s not a “life’s purpose.”
The point of a (good) goal is that it drives you forward — it forces you to become a different person.
However, if your only life goal is to find a partner, you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and each interaction.
Then, once you achieve your only goal, that’s it.
There’s nothing else pushing you in life. Your only focus is to protect and defend it so you don't lose it.
You're no longer playing life on offense; you're playing life on defense.
And the drive that attracted the relationship in the first place will disappear.
To be a well-rounded individual, it’s important to have passions, hobbies, and ambitions that are driving you.
(I’m sure your partner would agree as well.)
9. Drop Your Ego
As I mentioned earlier, a lot of people get advice from the wrong people. But similar to that, once they do get advice, they don’t take it.
It goes in one ear and out the other.
Why does this happen?
Because getting criticism hurts their ego. To find out that they were wrong stings their pride and they push back or ignore it.
A big reason why this happens is that they have a fixed mindset, not a growth mindset.
With a fixed mindset, you don’t believe you can get better so everything is about validating your self-worth. With a growth mindset, however, you believe you can get better and so being wrong is not an indictment on who you are as a person.
Whenever I ask for feedback, I always add a comment like, “Look, I don’t care about my ego or if I’m wrong — I just want better results.”
Drop your ego. If you find out you're doing something wrong, don't feel sad. If anything, you should feel happy because now you get to fix it and enjoy better results for the rest of your life.
10. Have Integrity
Way too many people complain about certain dating behaviors — and then turn around and do the exact same thing to others.
We all are guilty of the same things we complain about.
But if you’re tired of people having shitty integrity, here’s my advice:
Be the change you want to see.
Do you want to make “dating” a better place?
It starts with you.
If you want people to be better, be better.
If you want people to stop flaking, stop flaking.
If you want people to be honest, be honest.
We’re never going to improve things if everyone constantly skirts responsibility and blames other people.
To me, I don't care if other people lack integrity—the only thing that matters is that I have integrity.
Because at least that way, I can sleep well knowing that I treated people the way that I believe they should be treated.
I wish the same for you.
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