10 Key Skills for Becoming a Better Listener

“The first duty of love is to listen.”

- Paul Tillich

Listening is an art and a skill that not many of us have. Yet it is so critical in every one of our relationships. As human beings, we all desire to be heard and listened to.

Recently I was reading a book, The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols, and at the end, I realized that I had so much to learn when it comes to the subject of listening and there I was thinking I was a fairly good listener.

We often take listening for granted and most of us think we are better listeners than we actually are. Everyone wants to be listened to and it hurts when we feel no one is listening to us, especially in our close relationships.

There are many things that we do when someone is speaking to us that are not really listening. For instance, reassuring someone. The speaker is not given the opportunity to finish whatever they are saying before we jump in to reassure them. We often mean well when we do this but the fact is that the person does not feel listened to.

From a young age, when children are not listened to or allowed to express their thoughts or feelings, it robs them of confidence in themselves. When our emotions are continually repressed it takes a constant expenditure of energy that slowly wears us down.

One reason why we don’t listen is preconceived notions. This could be as a result of previous experience with the speaker, and in other cases, transference, where we project our past experiences to a new situation and therefore are not able to hear what’s being said.

“Genuine listening demands taking an interest in the speaker and what he or she has to say.”

Below are ten skills that can help us to become better listeners according to the author, Michael P. Nichols in the book, The Lost Art of Listening:

1. Active listening

This is a skill we all know but very few practice. It requires giving your full attention to the speaker and showing that you’re engaged in the conversation. This is done by maintaining eye contact and using nonverbal cues to demonstrate your interest. Show an interest in the person and in what they are saying. Also, try paraphrasing what is said to be sure you understand.

2. Validation

Validation means you acknowledge the speaker’s feelings and emotions by letting them know that you understand and accept their emotional experience, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective. This could be in a situation where the other person is “overreacting” in your opinion. Respect them even if you don’t agree with them.

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”

- Bryant H. McGill

3. Empathy

This means putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes and walking in those shoes by trying to understand their point of view. Empathize with their emotions and show compassion for their experiences. You may not feel exactly the way they do but you can show consideration for their feelings because “feelings are facts to the person experiencing them”.

4. Avoid interruption

As much as possible, resist the urge to interrupt or interject your thoughts and opinions while the other person is talking. Allow them to express themselves fully before responding. As Stephen Covey said, we should listen with the intent to understand, not to reply. This need to interject and share a similar experience while someone is talking is a very strong one and requires lots of discipline to overcome. But to be a good and effective listener we must learn to suppress this urge.

5. Reflective listening

Using reflective listening techniques to mirror the speaker’s thoughts and emotions shows you are making an effort to understand what they are saying to you. This involves paraphrasing what they’ve said to confirm that you’ve understood correctly. According to an example used by someone in my mentoring group when we were reviewing the book, he said “It is not telling someone, “what you are saying is….” Instead, “I think what I hear you say is…”. In the first statement, you are implying that you understood what the person has said, while in the second, you are giving the person the opportunity to clarify what they said.

“The art of conversation lies in listening.”

- Malcolm Forbes

6. Open-ended questions

Asking open-ended questions usually gives room for greater engagement. Encourage the speaker to share more by asking open-ended questions that require detailed responses. These questions can prompt deeper and more meaningful conversations. This will also give you the chance to get more insight and understanding of what is being said.

7. Nonjudgmental Attitude

Create a nonjudgmental and accepting atmosphere where the speaker feels safe sharing their thoughts and feelings. Avoid criticizing or immediately offering solutions. This is so common between parents and children. When I got to this part in the book, I realized I was very guilty and had to make some resolutions. For most of us parents, when our children are talking to us and before they are done, we jump down their throats trying to correct them and point out their mistakes. The result is that the children typically clam up and don’t finish what they were saying and we never realize the damage we are doing.

8. Patience

If someone is speaking and they tend to go on and on, there is a tendency for us to become impatient which we display by subtle or not-so-subtle acts like checking our watches or tapping our feet. If we truly want to be good listeners, we should learn to be patient and give the speaker the time they need to express themselves. Some individuals may take longer to articulate their thoughts or feelings so it’s important to restrain ourselves and rein in our impatience and allow them to finish.

9. Resist the urge to fix

Avoid the tendency to jump in with advice or solutions. Sometimes, people just need someone to listen and validate their feelings. Not every problem requires an immediate solution. This is a big lesson for me. I had this thought that if someone comes to me to tell me their problems, for example, it means they need my advice on how to resolve them. Wrong! Sometimes, they just want to talk and need me to just listen! I need to keep reminding myself of this. Thank God, I am making progress.

10. Summarizing and Clarifying

This is closely related to the earlier point above about reflective listening. In the course of the conversation and while the other person is speaking, periodically summarize what the speaker has said to ensure you understand. Then ensure you ask for clarification if something they have said is unclear. This demonstrates that you are interested in them and also your commitment to understanding their message.

Effective listening is essential in both our personal and professional lives. Listening is a highly required skill that we should all strive to acquire and become proficient at. Several studies and findings have demonstrated the importance of active listening for effective communication. Some of the consequences of poor listening include misunderstandings and conflicts, stress and anxiety, low productivity in the workplace, distrust, frustration, low self-esteem and so much more.

Learning this skill can ensure we enjoy better relationships in the family, at work, and in other social interactions.

I hope you have learned some useful lessons that you will hopefully be applying to make you a better listener.

Thanks for reading.