10 Birthday Reflections

Thoughts on what I’ve learned about life so far

I see birthday posts from people who announce their age in the first sentence, then go on to make a statement about how they aren’t afraid to let everyone know their “advanced” age suggesting how old they are. These people are often 30, 32 — I think I saw someone as “old” as 34. When I think about or refer to my age at this point in the game, I often say something facetious like, “I’m over the age of ten.” In recognition of this “age” I have decided to explore 10 things that I have learned from my life so far and, if I haven’t already, that I hope to achieve in the coming year.

Thanks to all of you who have already wished me a happy birthday! The wonderful thing about Medium is the wide geographical span we all represent. I started receiving birthday wishes yesterday afternoon, and woke up early to dozens more! It really bolstered my mood and set my day on a positive course! And that brings me to number one.

1. Don’t discount the small things and how powerful an effect they can have.

So often we focus on the “big gesture,” to show people how much they mean to us. Things that take an enormous amount of time and/or money to pull off. While these things can be wonderful, the small kindnesses we can practice every day can make just as big a difference in someone’s life.

This can be so simple yet also so meaningful. Sending a message of support to a Facebook friend when they are going through a tough time. Small compliments saying we noticed something someone did or said that was important to us or that touched us. Suggesting a contact who might have information about a job. There are always little things we can do that don’t cost us anything in time or money, that can make a huge difference for someone else as well as for us.

2. Don’t discount the magic in your past or reframe it as failure.

We all have experiences in our past, often from childhood that were magical for us. Perhaps they were things we aspired to or lofty goals that we tried to pursue. As is the case with children and adolescents we believed we could make it happen because we wanted it so very much and couldn’t imagine there was anything that would stand in our way. For a select few, maybe they achieve this goal, but for most of us that aspiration failed to materialize.

For me it was ballet and every moment was unbelievably magical. But no matter how hard I worked or practiced it, it was never going to amount to more than a dream. After I quit, it was so hard to think about it, after being so obsessed with it for so many years. Recently though, I’ve been thinking back to those days, and instead of regret, I’ve let those early feelings of magic wash over me thankful for the time it lasted.

I’ve found that it feels good to remember what it those days were like, even so many years later and even if I never achieved much in the area. Don’t let go of the magic that you once held in your hands. Even if you had to move past the dream the magic itself can live on.

3. Making your life about keeping everyone else happy and comfortable will only bring you pain.

This is a hard learned lesson. Sometimes, a person is put in the role of always appeasing, placating, obeying, accepting, permitting to be allowed some semblance of peace in the form of being ignored. It’s the last one that becomes the problem. Permitting others to put their expectations on you, and making your life about meeting them, will only amount to a life of striving for goals that aren’t yours. Define your own world and what you want to get out of it and what you intend to give back. If others don’t like it, that’s their problem not yours.

4. If someone is set on seeing you in a negative light, there is nothing you can do about it and trying to will only exasperate you.

There are those people out there who, for whatever reason, have to see others negatively. Perhaps it’s a general style or perhaps they’ve cast you in the role of the perpetual screw up who can do nothing right. You may have already spent a large amount of time trying to get them to see how wrong they are or how they always take everyone else’s side even if it’s a stranger.

You believe that if you present the facts of a situation logically they will suddenly realize the error of their ways because anything else would just be unfair. I hate to mention the age old cliche, but it’s true: Life isn’t fair and expecting it to be will not bring you happiness.

Stop trying to change people who derive pleasure from cutting you down. Have pity for them since that type of mentality is more about their need to find a way to build up their own poor self-esteem, by putting you down in order to feel better about what they see themselves as lacking. They are empty, you don’t have to be.

5. Sometimes you need to learn to love someone from a distance.

Sometimes you have to make this decision in order to take care of yourself and remove yourself from toxic interactions. This may be related to some of what was said above, or for other reasons. You also may have to learn how to respect the boundaries of those who need to do the same where you are concerned.

6. Some relationships just can’t be fixed.

I have a need to always try to repair things always believing if I just say the right thing, do the right thing, offer the right thing I can fix a broken relationship. Sometimes it’s just not up to me. But I’ve never been good at letting go. If someone was an important part of my life for years, I have difficulty seeing how to not have them there at all any more. Previously I’ve tried to hang on until it was impossible and I was forced to let go. Learning to let go before this occurs saves a lot of pain especially when the outcome is already clear early on.

7. There’s power in turning your mess into your message.

This one I read on someone else’s post but it seemed so applicable I had to “appropriate” it. Since I’ve been writing on Medium, I have been exploring new ways of expressing myself. For the first time in my life, I have tried out more personal styles of writing and topics, sharing aspects of my life, something I never dreamed of doing before.

This has met with some degree of positive response which has encouraged me to put more of myself into my writing. I have found this to be liberating in so many ways and the ability to make statements about my own opinions, beliefs and experiences has had a profound effect on my writing. I am hoping to continue building on this, and determining how to do so in a more skillful manner.

8. Distraction, inattentiveness, loss of motivation and the absence of focus is just a state of mind that lacks purpose.

These things can all result from pain that you have not found a way to cope with. Some of this pain can come from the loss of a dream or sense of purpose without having one to replace it with. Discovering what new path is out there to travel and what new goal will give your life meaning and purpose is a big part of what life is about. Making a beginning towards this is something I am aspiring to in the coming year.

9. Life gives you what you ask for, good or bad.

For so long my life seemed to be going in such a positive direction. I was achieving everything I wanted in life, and was genuinely happy. Then, with one political action taken by a single individual, all of that came to an end.

I won’t say much more about this except that we are magnets and what we expect will come back to us. If we believe we deserve only the worst in life that is what we will receive. Turning that around after it seems to have been proven by everything we have experienced is hard but remembering that it wasn’t always that way can tell us that it’s possible.

10. Ruts bad, change good.

Momentum runs it both directions. When we let it send us into a place where we do the same things day in and day out that aren’t allowing us to see that there are other options, we can end up endlessly trying to spin straw into gold with no Rumpelstiltskin in sight. We need to leave the room and the straw behind or accept whatever we can spin from the straw as a pastime while looking elsewhere for fulfillment and forward movement.

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to send birthday greetings. May all of your own wishes come true in the coming year!

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