CLEANGREENS
№1 Secret Skill Behind Backdoor Billionaires’ Hush-Hush Success
Guess what it is
Successful people with multiple mysterious startups under their belts — and blockchains in their server farms — all point to a single skill that made them the billionaires they are today. This skill is secret, meaning only the specially chosen know of it and leverage it to create companies that suck legitimacy out of thin money air.
This key skill is a necessity for accumulating huge invisible wealth. Regular people who have credit card debt as their savings plan don’t know about this skill because it’s hidden, which is English for “exclusive.”
Do you want to guess what the skill is? Go ahead. Give it a whirl.
Trust fund? No. That’s not a skill, and those folks don’t work.
Perseverance? Lol. That’s what people who have three minimum wage jobs use.
Ivy League education? Where are you coming up with this stuff?? I’ll give you one last guess.
Laundry prowess? How’d you know that? I’m suspicious.
But, yes, laundry prowess. The more you know about how to use the washing machine and a clothesline, the closer to a lucrative empty shell company you will get.
Nobody knows about this — except the wealthy chosen few, and now you, plus me, and whoever you gossip to, plus the Google algorithm watching my computer. And the Feds. Also, the uber-friendly check-out guy at Trader Joe’s. He said, “Wow, this detergent smells amazing. What are you going to do with it?” And I said, “Launder for my shell company in the Bahamas.” We chuckled and became friends. He said, “That’ll be $2455.80.” I said, “I’ll pay cash.”
So, bro, keep it on the down low.
Laundry prowess is a deep, dark skill — as dark as the inside of a GE front load washing machine, or an old mine shaft, or the heart of those dudes I ran into the other day with my McLaren and my precision. Take it slow and deliberate. Wash your dirties in small loads first while you’re learning the tricks of this furtive trade. Soon you’ll be the queen of clean, the king of bling, the prince of the freshly minted.
Step One is to grab a handful of those C-note dirties, which are actually pristines but they’re dirty in spirit. Carefully place them into the front loader. Add one teaspoon of Capone’s Covert Cleanse — I love the Smurf scent — close the door and start the machine. Delicate cycle. For god’s sake, delicate cycle. Stand by. Don’t leave. Put your hand on your pistol. Walkie-talkie your security staff. Always double-check. Make sure your load is sudsing properly. Think clean. Act clean. Do dirty.
Step Two is to carefully remove your load from the washer once finished. Walkie-talkie your staff again — triple-check. Now walk over to the thirty laundry lines you have hanging in your secure basement. As if you’re handling God in washed form, one by one clip your newly washed load to the laundry lines. Stand back and admire. Now check with your staff to get an update from the watchdog team posted in the tree stands along your property line. Monitor your drones. If all is well, you can have lunch.
Step Three — the famous ironing ritual — is what separates the men from the women. This means the latex-gloved women iron the dry dirties like Marie Kondo would have if she’d gone into this line of work, and the latex-gloved men count the ironed laundry into stacks of $10K, wrap with a paper band, and carefully place into boxes for deposit. They do this while you watch over. You’re the expert in the room with the Glock 9mm, and you will answer questions or expire anyone who seems suspicious, Capone style.
Step Four is the finale of this genius hidden skill — you entrust your well-trained heir to take this clean laundry to the bank in a grey Armani suit with a security detail.
Then you start on the next load.
In a matter of loads, your next shell company is brimming and your line of strip clubs, car washes, and tanning salons have clean cash registers again. You are the king of bling.
You are the backdoor billionaire who works in a highly secure basement laundromat. Cha-ching.
Thanks to editor Gael MacLean for washing this thing on a high-wash cycle.
Click here for more advice on washing dirties.
Click here to subscribe to MuddyUm’s newsletter, ‘The Real Dirt’
