Inflation at the Grocery Store

$1 An Egg?

Savvy consumer shares his substitutes for over-priced eggs

Have you heard about eggs?

According to the eggheads at Iowa State University, the average cost of a dozen eggs has risen from $1.79 to $4.50 since the beginning of the pandemic. In California, New York, and Hawaii, some customers are now paying as much as $7 for a dozen eggs. If these trends continue, by 2025 we are looking at $1 per egg people.

I simply refuse to live in a world where an egg costs more than a gumball.

How am I supposed to expose myself to Avian Flu at such extortionate prices? What am I to do: break into the nearest farmhouse and start kissing the chickens?

While lickin’ a few chickens is not an entirely terrible idea, I’ve also discovered several substitutes for eggs in everyday life. Try these egg alternatives to save a few dollars at the grocery store.

Paint Potatoes this Easter

Before you dimiss me as a silly goose, let me ask you this: is painting an egg any less ridiculous than painting a nice, cheap, potato? Potatoes have more surface area, which means more fun for the kids (and more drinking wine and pretending those kids don’t exist for the adults!). Need a whiter background for contrast? No problem! Just give those potatoes a peel, and glue the leftover peels back on for hair.

Mustard Salad Sandwich

Instead of bringing a traditional egg salad sandwich for lunch, why not try an equally pungent mustard salad sandwich? As both mustard and eggs are yellow, I recommend using the exact same quantity of mustard as you would eggs. That way nobody will ever know the difference! This is an especially good tip for those of you looking to add more sodium to your diet.

Just Nog

What’s everybody’s favorite drink at Christmas? After mulled wine, hot chocolate, ice wine, brandy, chocolate martinis, hard cider, hot buttered rum, butterscotch ripples, bailey’s on the rocks, chocolate caramel rum coffee, cranberry orange mimosas, peppermint schnapps, brandy again, scotch, old-fashioneds, and puddle-run off, the clear frontrunner is eggnog.

It just wouldn’t be Christmas without this mediocre beverage, which most people will sip politely before leaving their glasses three eights full on every flat surface in your house.

The only trouble is the eggs are more expensive than the rum. Fortunately, for this particular drink, you don’t need to substitute anything. Simply remove the eggs and everyone will have a much better time.

Egging Someone On?

This year, instead of egging someone on when you are looking to encourage them to continue their behavior, I think you will find it is easier and cheaper to simply discourage them. Remember: hope, optimism, and belief in other people are often expensive, but pessimism is always free.

Walking on Puzzle Pieces

Periodically, we all find ourselves in situations where we must tread lightly around certain subjects in order to keep from upsetting some highly perturbable person. The experience is often referred to as ‘Walking on Eggshells’, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste a dozen eggs simply to be considerate of some emotionally unstable acquaintance.

Substitute: break out that puzzle you bought ten years ago — and half put together before you realized you needed your kitchen table back — and spread those jagged jigsaw pieces in a wide circumference around the distressed person, so that anyone who goes near this ninny will find themselves walking on puzzle pieces instead of those expensive eggshells.

After the emotionally distraught person has returned to their senses, simply collect the pieces back into the box and safely store them until the next time someone unknowingly brings up sock puppets and once again sends that fragile soul down a spiral of unattended childhood trauma.

How do you egg a house?

Think there’s no suitable way for teenagers to ruin houses in the neighborhood this Halloween? Think again! With eggs off the table, why not douse your neighbor’s houses with a can of Yolk 2023–10 by Benjamin Moore?

The occasional curmudgeon may very well shake his fists, curse your family name, find out who permanently ruined his shudders and take swift legal action resulting in severe fiduciary consequences, but that’s all part of the fun of making mischievous memories that will last a lifetime.

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:

Want more food innovation? Check out Ryan Eland’s Weedcheese: