:-)
A note on lying.
I want to take this opportunity to tell you about the biggest lie I tell people. And I do it constantly. And I think it’s important to get out there, because maybe some of you do it, too. Here’s the lie:
:-)
Seriously, that’s the lie. That’s the whole thing. Now, why is this a lie?
:-) is my default closing on a plurality of tweets. But it doesn’t stop there. I use it in Facebook messages. Twitter DMs. Instagram comments. Text messages. Work IMs. It’s omnipresent. It’s inescapable. It’s so ubiquitous that you’d swear it was meaningless — a verbal tic or a twitch. But it isn’t.
:-) means many things. It means “please make sure you know the last thing I said was facetious.” It means “I disagree with you, but not enough to upset you.” It means “I’m sorry and I hope you accept my apology.”
:-) means “I hope I just made you happy.” It means “I hope you’ll accept me as part of your tribe.” It means “I’m seeking approval, agreement, or extending an olive branch.”
At its core … :-) means “please don’t be mad.” And, lest you think this is some kind of online phenomenon, I’ve got some news for you: This is an extension of real life.
I smile when I’m nervous. I smile to sell a joke. I smile when I’m angry. I smile when I’m sad. I smile in meetings. I smile on dates. I smile when I’m flirting and I find out the interest isn’t reciprocated. I smile so much, some days my face literally hurts. I have smile wrinkles all over my face from 35 years of smiling. :-) is a pathology, one that stems deep from my childhood.
I was not allowed to be sad or upset as a child. I had a mom, who I love dearly, but who had a pathological aversion to her children not being happy, because she viewed sadness or even flat emotion— and still does, to this day — as one of many possible manifestations of ineffective parenting or her children not loving her enough.
:-) was something I did because if I was not smiling, my mom would ask what was wrong. Always. Multiple times per hour. And I’d say “nothing,” but she’d ask so many times that eventually I’d become upset and get the dreaded, “See, I told you something was wrong!”
:-) was something my parents also begged me to do in pictures. Every picture. I smiled big, wide and weird. It was forced … always. My natural smile looks nothing like my picture smile — though none of you would know since you’ve probably never seen it. I’ll smirk or wink in lieu of an authentic smile … Why?
In sixth grade, in my school picture, as a new kid in a new city, I smiled my usual picture smile. And I was mocked mercilessly for it.
I was called “Beaver” for my toothy grin. I was called a swath of homophobic slurs, because I guess (???) some people associate excessive smiling with homosexuality. But I still smiled through it. Had to.
In 7th grade, I chose *not* to smile for my school picture, and I was scolded at home for it. It is, to date, the only picture in which I am not smiling.
:-) was also a way of making sure the boys in school (who were all taller, bigger and healthier than I) wouldn’t beat my ass the way they did other smaller, wispy boys in school.
:-) smoothed over things with bullies. So did not standing up for what I believed in. So did jokes. So did laughter. All the same pathology, and, yet, I emerged from my youth unharmed, unscathed — with nary a scratch on my body. So it worked. And now I have an irrepressible, effervescent charm to boot.
When I never smile, ever, is when I am alone. Smiling is something I do around people, as a magnet, as a social lubricant. And people notice:
In 5th grade and 12th grade, I was voted “Most Happy.” I’m often compared to Mr. Peanut Butter from BoJack Horseman. I’ve been often called “the most positive person I’ve ever met.” From my writing, I’ll be you’ve gathered that this isn’t all that true.
In fact, what :-) does not mean — what it has almost never meant, except in inescapable, undeniable moments of unchecked radiant bliss — is “I’m happy.”
I smile everywhere, still, to avoid people asking what’s wrong. And to keep people happy around me. And to smooth over disagreements. And largely because I don’t feel as though I’d be loved or wanted any other way.
It’s also why I play music. Why I very rarely discuss anything of substance IRL. (Ask anyone the last time they had a serious conversation with me. A gritty, emotional one.) Why I tell a preposterous amount of bad jokes in social situations. It’s all a performance, and a conflict avoidance strategy. It’s to feel like I belong.
It’s also why you hear me use words like “awesome” and “incredible” and “amazing” and “excited” all the time. To beat back loneliness, the happiness meter must always be a 13/10.
It’s a heavy burden, so to give my non- :-) a voice, I’ve learned to write. Occasionally, I can’t wait long enough to write and just unleash a tsunami of self-loathing tweets. I do it to take the mask off. I do it because it’s bottled up and needs to go someplace. And it’s helped me realize that it’s okay to be vulnerable or even to merely be ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
There are benefits to men not smiling. Men who do not smile are respected more, and looked at as more competent, tougher, more attractive, less naive, and more capable at work. There’s no telling just how many people have stopped taking me seriously because I felt compelled to display unnatural happiness at all times to everyone. There’s no telling how much I compromised just to be liked. It’s incalculable.
I would just like to know people. To have a regular, decent, deep, serious chat with someone. To feel normal and at peace. To be able to end sentences with periods instead of smileys. To not feel like I’m selling the world’s happiest snake oil.
I’m a human. I feel a wide range of emotions in between pathological happiness and crippling anxiety. 90% of the time, I’m squarely in the middle. Not smiling. But, really, nothing wrong. And I want people to know: Not smiling doesn’t mean I’m sad … it just means I’m not trying to sell you anything. It means I’m comfortable.
If any of you out there — for whatever reason — feel like you smile too much, too blindly, I want to let you know you don’t have to. It’s okay not to smile. It’s okay to be merely okay.
I’m going to do my best in the future to do less of this :-) because — irony of ironies — after tons of therapy and introspection, I’ve concluded sometimes you need to smile less to make more space for genuine joy. Real emotion requires a blank canvas: A face and a soul at rest and at ease.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope you all are having a super awesome amazing day! :-)
I meant that … by the way.
